[DEAD MARSHES - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Gollum, I see dead people.
GOLLUM
Calls us Smeagol, dammit.
SAM
Please, Frodo, let me kill him.
[FANGORN FOREST - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
GIMLI
Look, it's Saruman!
ARAGORN
Run away!
GANDALF
No, you idiots, it's me, Gandalf!
LEGOLAS
I see you've done your laundry.
ARAGORN
You're alive! But how?
GANDALF
We fell for ages it seemed, plummeting through the inky darkness...
GIMLI
(rolls eyes) Here we go...
ARAGORN
Oh, hey, we've got to get these horses back to Theoden.
GANDALF
Theoden! I need to speak with him. I'll come with you and tell you on the way.
ARAGORN
Oh great. I mean, great!
[EDORAS - DAY - INSIDE]
GRIMA
(whining) Sire, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a big liar.
GANDALF
Nay Theoden-king, I beseech you, heed no more the venom of this worm's tongue!
THEODEN
I don't know who to believe anymore! Well, since I have no idea what Gandalf said, I guess I'll take his advice.
GANDALF
You heard him, hit the road ya bum.
THEODEN
Oh, so THAT's what you meant.
GRIMA
Sire!
THEODEN
Nope, sorry. My mind's been made up for me. Now scram before someone else changes it.
GRIMA
(leaving) You haven't seen the last of me, old man!
THEODEN
Well, I suppose I'll let Eomer go as well. And maybe I'll make him my heir while I'm at it... Anyway, let's all go hunt some orc!
(the ROHIRRIM cheer)
EOWYN
I wanna come too!
(everyone but EOWYN laughs)
ARAGORN
Cheer up, little lady.
EOWYN
I love you.
ARAGORN
Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for...
(he indicates the Ring of Barahir as a wedding band)
EOWYN
Everything makes me sad.
[ENTMOOT - DAY - OUTSIDE]
TREEBEARD
Wake up young hobbits! The ents have decided to march on Isengard! It's payback time...
PIPPIN
Where's Isengard?
MERRY
It's where Saruman lives, you tuber.
PIPPIN
Who- (realization dawns) Oh, I'm sorry mr. tree, we have a very important... party... to attend...
MERRY
It's not going to work, Pip.
[HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the parapet of the wall killing orcs)
LEGOLAS
Thirty eight!
GIMLI
Thirty seven!
ARAGORN
Hey guys, do you really think keeping track of your body counts is an appropriate message to send to the kids?
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI stare at each other momentarily)
GIMLI
Thirty eight! Now we are tied!
LEGOLAS
Thirty nine! I'm better than you!
HAMA
The orcs have breached the wall! I die...
ARAGORN
Everyone hide!
[HELM'S DEEP - DAWN - INSIDE]
THEODEN
I'm tired of waiting! I will not sit here like a badger in a... thing you put badgers in! I'm going out there!
ARAGORN
Aw jeez. Come on people, I guess we have to go with him.
THEODEN
See! The orcs run! Into that forest that wasn't there yesterday...
ARAGORN
The trees appear to be eating the orcs.
LEGOLAS
And what a strange and gruesome picture it is.
GIMLI
It certainly gives one an appetite.
(everyone stares at GIMLI)