Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Don Myers]

"if my husband decides to cheat on me he will have another thing comming"

Would that thing be a sharp knife?

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

I agree with you assuming all ways to save the marriage have been exhausted. After observing divorces in my family and friends, I think that part of the problem is that marital expectations are set way too high, and potential conflicts that are not addressed pre-marriage mushroom into serious problems later. That's why I think premarital counseling (like pre-Cana) is a good idea to make sure each partner understands what the other's beliefs and expectations are...and this is my final .02 on this subject.

[lil679]

no I don't think that would be it but he would certainly be paying thats for sure

[discostu]

My recommendation is a hole in the desert. Make sure you dig the hole first, that's important.

Really you have to do what you think is best. The question for you is do your vows matter at this point. Clearly she ignores the "love, honor and cherish" part. But you're still hooked on those, maybe because of her illness, maybe just because you're too nice a guy, maybe you just don't want to break the same part of the vows she is. How I was raised I was taught to end the contract before breaking the contract.

I would definitely recommend a shrink, having someone to dump your problems on is good, and it's better to do that with a shrink than a mistress. One problem you face that that adultery can be proven in court, being a bitch can't, if you cheat you're risking getting seriously raped in a divorce. Depending on your financial status you might want to contemplate just what it would take to provide enough for her to not feel guilty about leaving her, could you pay for a live in nurse for her and leave with a clean conscience. Also just how survivable is the disease. I know it sound cold but if her life expectancy doesn't make it out of this year think of it like purgatory and tough it out. This is especially true if she has cute friends (funerals are good places to hook up, sad but true).

In the end you're the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror every day. What we say doesn't matter. If your friends (or FRiends) won't accept your decision get new friends.

[ValerieUSA]

I read once that the secret of happiness is to always be thankful. Which can probably be expanded to say the secret to unhappiness is to always be ungrateful.

[Double Tap]

It wasnt false, it could very well be true for some people.

What the hell??? You just said that you were kidding, that he only said it as a joke and you went along with it to get people's reaction. So how was that not false? So if it's not false, then it must be the truth, and we are back to you believing that if the sex isn't up to par, it's Okey Dokie to bang the next dim witted bimbo that will go for it?

[Don Myers]

Well, I certainly think that cheating on your spouse is a no-no. But our society today seems more accepting of that. We, as a people, are more accepting of promiscuity.

I was talking to a 15 year old boy today. He was with two 16 year old girls. He knows them. The two girls were making out in a parking lot, and he joined in with them. This sort of thing is common today. There is no stigma associated with promiscuity with guys or gals, or combinations of the above.

[ValerieUSA]

Clearly she ignores the "love, honor and cherish" part

SHE has to honor the love, honor and OBEY part - HE has to honor the love, honor and cherish part. It's an important distinction, an acknowledgement of the different roles of men and women - and of the same expectation to be honorable and loving. Cherish is not the same thing as love.

[Don Myers]

Hello, mackattack. Having a good day, I hope.

[lil679]

That is totally sad and I know I see it all the time I want to live back in the 50's

[discostu]

Thanks. I'm fading fast, up too early. Just batting cleanup on responses to me now. It's been a good thread all in all. I like the late night crowd on FR better than the daytime (put this bugger out at noon at it would be 300 Bible quote and liberetarian insults). I've got a late night mentality and a daytime schedule, sad but true.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I went through pre-Cana but it didn't work. It's a good idea in theory but my ex was able to BS his way through it and I was naive enough not to see it. I've learned a lot now through the school of hard knocks. I hope they don't make me go through that again someday (if there is another someday).

[Don Myers]

The genie is out of the bottle. And the genie won't go back in.

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

Yes...and please no table dance. Now, if you could arrange Russell Crowe to do a table dance for me, that I would definitely consider!

[Don Myers]

Everyone, mackattack is a sweetheart. She means well. She does speak her mind, but that is ok.

[nickcarraway]

But, she was talking country matters.