Posted on 08/03/2024 8:16:29 PM PDT by DoodleBob
No relationship, even the strongest ones, exists without at least an occasional argument. What separates resilient couples from others is the way they're able to handle conflict.
The way partners communicate is the most important, especially when feelings run high and tempers are heated. "Before you speak, take a beat to consider the impact of what you want to say," says Shari Foos, M.A., M.F.T., M.S., founder nonprofit group program The Narrative Method. "Try to anticipate how the information might make your partner feel, so you can show empathy to them while expressing what you want to say. Try writing out what you want to communicate from your perspective. Then edit it until you feel you can say it compassionately without skirting the truth.
Sometimes, the most essential piece of the puzzle is knowing when to put a conversation on pause. "It's always okay to wait, even when the feelings are urgent," Foos adds. "If you're too worked up, you won't be as thoughtful. It's fine to say, 'I want to share my feelings, but I need some time to gather my thoughts.'"
The opposite of that, though, is snapping, blurting out hurtful things or putting a partner on the defensive. With that in mind, here are nine phrases to never say to a partner. They're not likely to lead to a productive discussion or lead to greater empathy. "Nobody wants their feelings to be ignored, particularly when either or both of you are already dealing with stress," Foos says. "Starting with a complaint inevitably puts the other person on the defensive and when our insecurities are evoked, we are less able to appreciate the other person's perspective." To keep things on the right track, strike these phrases from your mind.
This shows that it's over, and there's no point in even trying to hash things out. "Even if that's how you're feeling in the moment, even if you're ready to break up, why bother having a conversation if you don't want to try to understand each other?" Foos says. "It's not worth the temporary relief of blurting out your feelings when you're putting your partner's vulnerability and the future of your relationship at risk. Instead, choose your words and be aware of the body language that brings nuance to your communication."
Anyone who's been on the receiving end of this one knows how frustrating it can be — it's dismissive to the point of being downright gaslighting. "Defensiveness is a maladaptive communication strategy," says Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., psychologist and owner/director of Nobile Psychology in New York. "It comes off as blaming. It shuts your partner's experience down and effectively sends the message that they are the problem."
In general, it's best to entirely avoid telling a partner how they feel. "We really don't know how someone is feeling, and it's their prerogative to either share that information or not," says Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author of Healing From Toxic Relationships. "It's important to embrace and support their autonomy, including letting someone feel what they feel." Try to be more open to a partner's true emotions, what they're trying to communicate and why they may seem so heated — if they're in the mood to share any of that at all.
Even if it's true, calling something "none of your business" just makes it seem like there's something to hide. "It’s healthy to have some privacy in a relationship, but secrets can be harmful," says Amy Morin, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do. "If you want to keep something private, explain that you don’t want to share a social media password, or you aren’t going to talk about a private conversation you had with a family member because you're setting a boundary surrounding your privacy, not because it’s not their business."
The threat is empty at best, or self-fulfilling at worst. "Unless you really mean it, don't use the threat of ending your relationship as a way to get them to take your complaints seriously or to change in the direction you want them to," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a relationship therapist in New York City. "In a moment of intense frustration or hopelessness, it's a natural reflex to say. 'I give up!' But if you keep saying it, you amplify the feeling that your whole relationship is on shaky ground."
In fact, these threats can send a relationship in the opposite direction of where it should be headed. "Ending an argument with the 'D-word' can stop your partner in their tracks," Dr. Sarkis adds. "It can prevent productive discussions, since you've sent the message to your partner that you no longer value the relationship." Rather than using that time and energy talking about throwing in the towel, it's better to address frustrations directly in the hopes of coming up with solutions.
When there's unequal division of labor in a relationship — or even the perception of it — of course resentment is going to build. But this isn't the most productive way to bring it up. "You’re discounting everything your partner contributes to the relationship," Morin says. "It won’t motivate them to change their behavior. Instead, it implies you're a martyr and they’re taking advantage of your kindness."
It's better to sit down and have each person go over their own responsibilities — which could be eye-opening on both sides‚ with each party learning what the other does that might not have been immediately apparent — and try to figure out a way to make a fairer split.
Nobody wants to feel like they're second best. "It's a low blow and puts your partner in competition with your ex," Manes says. "It creates relationship insecurity and decreases the likelihood that complaint will ever actually be heard."
"Comparisons can also breed jealousy and resentment toward the person they are being compared to, adding unnecessary tension to the relationship," Dr. Nobile adds. "Rather than making comparisons and criticisms, valuing your partner's unique traits and communicating openly about any concerns is essential, fostering a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding."
No one wants to be on the receiving end of the blame game. "It takes two people to contribute to problems and both people have responsibility for repairing them," Morin says. Even if one partner really does have a problem that's causing issues in the relationship, like one person drinking too much, assigning blame isn't going to help, Morin says. Instead, both partners need to come together, communicate with each other clearly, support each other and work together to overcome the issue.
Ideally, we shouldn't speak to anyone this way, let alone a romantic partner. In a relationship, it's a huge red flag — and also a sign that things aren't working. "Speaking to a romantic partner with contempt is the largest predictor of ending a relationship," Dr. Nobile says. "By speaking to your partner as though they're beneath you, you are attacking safety, trust and respect in the relationship. Research shows that contempt has negative effects on physical, psychological and relational health," and may be a sign that more help is needed.
Similarly, "always" and "never" are words that shut down a conversation rather than fostering it. "Making broad, sweeping, negative statements about your partner suggests that you only see what they do wrong, not what they also get right," Manes says. "And it's an open invitation for them to argue why your statement isn't true. In either case, you miss the chance to have them actually listen to you."
"If the same issue continues to arise and it remains unsettled," Foos says, "then the two of you have to put yourselves aside to appreciate each other's thoughts and feelings. We have to humbly appreciate that we can never truly know what another person is feeling no matter how well you think you know them or how many times you've been through 'this same issue.'"
Like withholding sex?
Does the author think that that is a "no-no," as well?
Regards,
So, "You are a fat slob!" instead of "You are the fat slob!"
Or, "Maybe we should get a divorce" instead of "Maybe we should get the divorce."
Thanks! I'll keep that in mind!
Regards,
Partner?! Did you operate a business together?!
Regards,
That appears to be a variation of the tactic the Joey Bishop character used in that scene of "Guide for the Married Man."
"What girl? What bed? What lingerie?"
Regards,
Same here. Repeat of the same arguments we had 50-60 years ago!
"But I wanna watch The Jackie Gleason Show!"
"We watched it last week. Now it's time to watch The Outer Limits!"
Regards,
"You ain't got the guts to pull that trigger!
Regards,
In contrast, the very best kind of argument is where neither side is speaking!
Regards,
Are you in yet?
LOL
move closer to her to make sure she can hear me and simplify it to make sure she can understand it.
“I said ‘shut up!” is probably not a good line to use?
I told my partner to calm down once. After it was all over with her, the doctor said I’d walk again, although I would always have a limp.
“I’ve got a date, don’t wait up”
😃 I can think of one, but it’s slightly on the racy side. 😊
Actually, someone else did, in post 68. 😀
I’ve said them all except for #6. Marriage is sometimes har, about compromise and resolving issues. We’re still happily married 51 years later 4 months out of high school.
Was watching a video where an only fans woman who claimed to have a large body count said she was ready to settle down and get married. I found the point that the man on the panel made quite interesting and something I had not thought of.
He doubted she would be successful because she would be looking for a Frankenstein partner, one who holds all the best qualities of all her partners. Looks, income, “performance “, treatment….
A wholly unattainable set of characteristics. The unicorn quadrant if I may.
Along with that I would add she would have all the bad things in the back of her mind and the second anything resembling any of those appears in her new found love she will immediately assume the worst and project that past behavior onto him.
I definitely can identify with the “calm down”
one. 😂
Years ago like 40 is saw a cartoon in playboy
An old woman was in bed and along one wall of their bedroom was a long row of 4 tall filing cabinets
The old man was about half way down with a drawer open looking through the files
The old woman is saying “can’t we have just one argument without you verifying the facts”
Congratulations on 56 years. On the 25th of this month, my wife and I hit 35.
My wife and I have very rarely argued. Disagreements are settled calmly, and privately (we have 4 kids). I definitely married up - she puts up with me!
“I don’t want to sound mean but...”
Couldn’t agree more. I have no desire fight imaginary dragons, unless they are mine.
I use “Relax”, it will raise the hackles of every woman.
“11. You’re just my partner.”
Only a liberal even uses such a word.
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