You and I can intellectualize it all we want for years and we'll never increase our understanding of it one whit...until. I could tell you what I believe for hours and it might not make a bit of sense. So, go to the source. Go to the Gospel itself. It isn't just a book. It is supernatural. See for yourself.
Here's a link to a youtube narration of the Book of John by Sir David Suchet (of BBCs Hercule Poirot fame). It's the NIV Bible. There are others, but this is my favorite narration.
Listen to it a few times when you can sit and let it flow over you.
The Gospel According to John read by David SuchetSome people might recommend some other Book of the Gospel or some other translation. This is my favorite and I think the Book of John is a great place to start.
BTW, I will say this. This Jesus is alive and he will speak to you. You can ask him tonight. Ask him to speak to you in whatever way he wants. Tell him what's on your mind. Tell him what you are afraid of and why you are concerned about suffering. Tell him about your doubts and ask him to help you.
There are many uncertainties in life, but there is one thing I am certain of. He knows you through and through. He loves you more than you can comprehend...and he is waiting for you. Right now.
“Strike me dead!” is quicker.