Posted on 05/11/2023 11:28:31 AM PDT by nickcarraway
After years spent stoking weird culinary culture wars, the influential right-wing TV host has been beat by his ultimate made-up enemy: the Green M&M.
The internet was set ablaze Monday when news broke that Tucker Carlson, the infamous right-wing news host, is out at Fox News. Almost instantly, Twitter and Instagram feeds were flooded not by think pieces, but with Green M&M memes. To some this may seem like a strange reaction, but Carlson and the Green M&M have had a long, caustic, and desperately one-sided relationship.
The two go back to early 2022 (longer, in candy years), when they clashed publicly, dominating news cycles. Carlson went on a bizarre rant when M&Ms announced that it would be redesigning some of its female spokescandies to be more modern and inclusive. The Brown M&M would be trading her spike stilettos for pumps with a lower block heel, and the Green M&M would be donning sneakers instead of high heels.
“Bet you didn’t think M&M’s were pushing intolerance but they were,” Carlson said on air at the time. He was absolutely enraged that the Green M&M was being made less sexy. “M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” he continued. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any of them, that’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won.” Honestly, Tucker, the sneakers are just easier on their lower backs!
To be sure, Carlson’s beef with made up candy characters was not his greatest offense. He used his influence at Fox for some seriously irresponsible messaging on his show. And analysts speculate that the real reason he was pushed out was because of his ongoing commitment to misogynistic behavior toward his coworkers. But the memes making the rounds right now focus on M&Ms, and that feels fitting—of all Carlson’s terrible opinions, could anything have been as low stakes and ridiculous as him thinking that a candy spokesperson should make people horny?
To commemorate a feud that will be remembered for a very long time, here is a not-at-all exhaustive guide to Carlson’s strange and enduring relationship to food culture—but mostly, to M&Ms.
Carlson had a strange, mostly regrettable relationship with food culture In addition to, you know, years of hateful rhetoric spewed at high speed, Carlson has weirdly always had something to say about food—usually as it relates to so-called “cancel culture” and the so-called culture wars. Sometimes it was a conspiracy theory about food shortages, or a strange fear-mongering special about how woke environmentalists want to force you to eat bugs (which are both sustainable and delicious, for the record).
There was, of course, the 2022 Snickers Dick Vein controversy, in which Carlson supposedly bemoaned the woke mob for pressuring the candy company to remove the chocolate ripples atop Snickers bars. A screenshot of Carlson mourning the loss became a viral hit, but the dick vein had never actually gone away; the news proved to be fake.
Carlson first got angry about M&Ms in 2022, when the company made the changes to spokescandies. Then in January of 2023, his base of loud conservatives were again enraged, when it was announced that M&M’s would be launching an all-female edition of M&M spokescandies. Carlson went so far as to call the Purple, Green, and Brown M&Ms “obese and distinctly frumpy.” His argument was that M&Ms were determined to brainwash their audience with body positivity messaging so that they’d… buy more candy. Why would Carlson attack fictional candies in such a vicious and personal way? What did Green M&M do to Carlson?
Soon after there was another hubbub when M&M’s announced they’d be replacing the spokescandies altogether, with beloved American comedy icon Maya Rudolph—had Carlson won, we wondered? He certainly thought he did, and even seemed kind of proud, sharing the news with a smirk.
But Rudolph’s reign turned out to be a stunt leading to a Superbowl ad campaign. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone except Carlson, who (I imagine) continued to be haunted by the distinct unhorniness of the newly-sneakered Green M&M.
Now, Carlson is unemployed while the Green M&M continues to prosper, mind her business, and solidify her status as a spokescandy icon. Fans are calling this one a victory for the Green M&M. As Carlson no doubt plans his next hair-curling venture into far-right media, we can take a moment to rest easy, knowing that the Green M&M has outlasted her biggest rival.
Green M&M, wherever you are, I hope you’re taking this week to celebrate—go to Mykonos with your girlfriends! Or, just kick off those white sneaks, put your feet up, and savor the win.
These people are stuck in an old and silly paradigm. Tucker Carlson will soon have bigger audiences than he ever had at Fox.
Also, this is two woke articles in a row today from Bon Apetit. I remember reading an article a few weeks ago about how many people were canceling the magazine because it was all about woke angles, and rarely about food.
Yawn
Snickers Dick Vein? Never heard of that ...
Some leftys are getting a wedgie because of some extra chocolate is drizzled on the top of a candy bar?
It takes a very sick mind to open a candy bar and then get triggered by a line of candy. Of course there is the possibility that said person just finished a different kind of line ...
The writer’s real name is Sam Stoned. Explains his hate-filled writing.
Bon voyage “Bon Appetite” magazine.
“Tucker Carlson will soon have bigger audiences than he ever had at Fox.”
A two minute video by Carlson will draw more viewers than any MSNBC news episode.
He should start doing those each day at around noon. Just to speak on a current event of the day.
I seem to remember Ronald Reagan doing such a thing and making sure I heard his short commentary on radio each day back in the late 70s early 80s. He was always spot on in his observations.
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