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I pirate watched the first episode.

It was not very compelling as it was all set up

Here’s my recap SPOILER ALERT

Picard is playing poker with Data. Data is a sophisticated player, he uses fake tells. Then Mars blows up. It’s a dream obviously, Data is still dead, it’s been 20 years since the last TNG movie.

Picard is at his family vineyard. You may recall that his older brother and family burned to death in a fire (somehow, luddites I guess). In a nice little detail that was probably what I enjoyed most about the episode, Picard has rebuilt the house in all brick, and his fire place is a hologram.

BTW he has a dog named “Number 1” and he orders “Tea, earl grey DECAF.” And those things piss me off.

I really feel like he should have a wife and kids but no (that would get in the way of the “story” I guess), but he does have live in help, a chick and a dude, dude is Romulan possibly. Picard has a news interview in his home, bitch reporter agreed not to ask why he quit Starfleet but she asks anyway. “BECAUSE IT WASN’T STARFLEET!!! (anymore)” He angrily says.

You see after the reboot movie destroyed Romulus in the “real” timeline (curse them), there were 900 million Romulan refugees (actually this makes sense) and Starfleet was helping resettle them.

But then a group of “synthetics” (what they seem to be calling robotic life now) blew up the Martian Colony (and Mars is somehow still on fire). This lead to a ban on synthetic life (knee jerk, just like banning genetic engineering after the Eugenics Wars or going after vaping because a few people get sick from bootleg jape juice) and I don’t know what the hell that has to do with the Romunlans but right after that Starfleet decided to stop helping them, it’s like that Klingon moon blowing up in reverse.

Meanwhile, some chick is in her apartment in “Greater Boston”, she’s telling her BF (who an Alien and also Black) that she got into the Daystrom institute (which is on Okinawa , I don’t know if we knew that). Then some dudes in black helmets beam right in (home security systems need to get on that!) and unceremoniously kill her BF with a throwing knife. They grab her and talk about her like she’s some kinda sleeper agent that must not have been “activated” yet. Then she suddenly easily kills them all but she has no idea how that happened. In a flash she sees Picard’s face.

Later she’s walking and sees him on the news, then she goes to his house. She looks familiar to him. In the morning she’s gone and Picard goes to some “archive” of the Enterprise and see’s that she looks just like this girl Data painted once (Painting was named “Daughter”).

The girl calls her mom...it’s not important but she left Picard cause she didn’t want him to be in danger. She meets him outside the archive cause she can track him somehow and some more helmet dudes attack, they are Romunlan, the last one alive manages to kill her with some acid or something and she blows up (positronic brain?). Chick was an android if you haven’t gotten it yet. Her memories of growing up were fake.

Now this is stupid, Picard (who was KOed by the blast) wakes up ON HIS COUCH because the “police” TOOK HIM HOME rather than to the hospital and left without questioning him after he, a Former Starfleet Admiral, was FOUND ALONE AND UNCONSCIOUS AT THE SCENE OF AN EXPLOSION OUTSIDE A HIGHLY SECURE STARFLEET ARCHIVE BUILDING.

Picard goes to the Daystrom institute and talks with Blonde Science Chick (Allison Pill) who heads up what’s left of the robotics division, they can only run simulations now. Data’s retarded brother from the last movie “B4” is there, in pieces. They tried and failed to upload Data onto him.

Some dude who used to be in charge, I think the asshole who wanted to dissect Data in that TNG episode (Measure of Man) got depressed and disappeared after they banned the research.

Picard shows BSC the dead girl’s necklace and asks BSC if it’s possible to make an android out of flesh (??), she says “What?! No! Well in theory yes and we tried to before and they would of course come in pairs for some reason, that’s what this necklace symbol means.”

Cut to some Romulan...something going on in space (?). Low and behold it’s the dead girl’s twin there, she looks like she’s already an established science chick, I wonder why her sister was just starting graduate school, slacker. Some Romulan dude walks up to her and tells her a sad story about how his brother died.

Pull back and in what I guess was supposed to be a DUN DUN DUN moment they are in what appears to be a hollowed out Borg cube or something. Do you ‘member the Borg? I ‘member.

Preview for the next episode shows Romulan dude got into the twin’s pants and that he tells someone else “She has no idea what she is”. This guy has the right idea, why murder her when you can bang her instead?

Maybe it will be more interesting when Picard and BSC actually get a ship and go do whatever in space but I’m not particularly eager to watch the next one.

Is it dumber than “Discovery”? So far, no. Is it good? Same answer.