Replies

Xenophon: Your eyes are inflamed, but I can deal with that. I’ll give you a lotion to bathe them with. Slight retraction of the eyeballs. You’ve had infantile paralysis?
Claudius: Yes.
Xenophon: Well, there’s nothing I can do about that. The rest of your body is fairly sound though. Good strong arms. You’ve developed to compensate for your legs. Were you a premature birth?
Claudius: Yes.
Xenophon: I thought so. And you’ve had measles, colitis, erysipelas.
Claudius: And scrofula. Can you tell all that just by looking at me?
Xenophon: And using my brains. Your food is not properly digested from yesterday.
Claudius: Well, we had a wedding yesterday. Appius Silanus married my mother-in-law. I probably ate too much.
Xenophon: You must stop that. Never get up from a table without wishing you’d like something more. I suppose you get wind?
Claudius: Well..
Xenophon: Well, yes if you do, let it out. Don’t hold it in. It does great injury to the stomach. I don’t mind which end you let it out but let it out. A man who puts good manners before good health is a fool, I suppose it’s no point in prescribing exercise?
Claudius: No. What time do I get for exercise?
Xenophon: Massage will have to do. You can get up now. Now, Caesar, listen to me. You work too many hours. I don’t suppose you’ll reduce them because all important people think they’re indispensable, but I suggest you read as little as possible - get your secretaries to read everything to you. Rest for an hour after your principal meal. Don’t go rushing off to the law courts as soon as you finish your dessert. And you must find time for 20 minutes massage twice a day.
Claudius: Well, I’ve got a very good masseur.
Xenophon: Get rid of him. The only good masseurs in Rome are slaves of mine. I’ll send one them to you.
Claudius: Well, what about the cramps in my stomach?
Xenophon: What cramps. If you will eat large meals quickly in a state of nervous excitement, you must expect cramp. But I’ll give you some medicine to relieve them.
Claudius: Ah, medicine. Some secret preparation, I suppose? Can I get that here or shall I have to send away for it?
Xenophon: You can find it on any piece of waste ground. It’s briar leaf.
Claudius: What, common briar leaf?
Xenophon: That’s right. I’ll leave instructions on how to prepare it.
Claudius: And what about the prayers?
Xenophon: What prayers?
Claudius: Well, don’t you prescribe special prayers to be used when taking medicine?
Xenophon: I suggest Caesar, that as High Pontiff and the author of a book on religion, you are more qualified to prescribe prayers than I am.
Claudius: Do you Greeks believe in nothing?
Xenophon: I’ve told you what I believe in - briar leaf. Hail. Caesar.