Posted on 10/29/2018 4:20:26 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. The 50-50-90 Law Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
5F. There will be three women together with a basket brimming with items.
They will insist that there are three separate orders in the basket.
5F1. The women will not sort their orders until they arrive at the cashier.
5F2. First woman will pay with cash but not have the exact amount. Women 2 and 3 will dig around in their suitcase/handbags contributing coins to arrive at exact amount.
5F3. Woman 2 will pay with debit card without understanding how her card works and rummaging in suitcase/handbag for the PIN her husband wrote down for her.
5F4. Woman 3 will have started a conversation with a passerby known to her. The entire planet must stop until the conversation is completed.
This happened to me last summer. I was on my way to a very important customer presentation when my tire went flat on the highway. So I had to change to the donut spare in my suit and then encountered the "Law of the Hard to Find Lug Nut Key".
Yes, the special locking lug nut seemed a good idea at the time when I was sitting in the dealership but where was the lug nut key? Eventually I dug it out of the far reaches of my glove compartment but it cost me 10 extra minutes. Which was the exact amount of time I was late to the presentation.
There is the Misogyny Law: If you don’t get the job done by Monday your wife will clean up before Friday and you will never find the tools and parts to complete it, ever.
Napoleon’s Theory — There are two types of problems: those that can be ignored until they go away and those that, if ignored, grow to a point where they can’t be ignored.
Otherwise known as the Law of The Lost:
The best way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Anytime you take apart a complex mechanical or electrical item for repair or refurbishment and then put it back together, you will be left with left-over parts to which you have no clue as to where they belong. Furthermore, the item you fixed will work perfectly without those missing parts.
Sportutegirl’s law of rural highways: An obstacle in your lane always occurs at the same time as a vehicle in the oncoming lane.
The Law of Tangles: A rope, hose, or electrical cord will always tangle on a rock, stump, curb, corner, or other obstruction.
Related to the Law of Christmas Lights. No matter how carefully you wrap and store them, they will be a tangled mess come next Christmas. I think it's the magic "Christmas" dust.
The True Definition of Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch....”
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic’s lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Brings to mind the Law of Positioning: While waiting for your spouse to make a selection, no matter where you position yourself and your shopping cart in the aisle, even in front of the most obscure product in the store, you will be in someone’s way … immediately!
“Brings to mind the Law of Positioning:”
So true!
Then there is the little old lady who brings things to a dead halt in the narrowest aisle in the store while she goes through her coupons...AGAIN.
The car repair shop law (corollary to the doctor’s law):
That odd noise, annoying rattle, or any other mechanical flaw will never manifest itself when there is a mechanic anywhere within 100 yards of your car. On the bright side, it saves you from having to hear the age-old excuse “they all do that”.
Just saving this thread for later sending to friends.
Thanks to all for some funny postings!
Boy, is THAT one right on target! Last year I bought a pair of high top basketball shoes at a moderate price in an outlet store. I need good ankle support (injuries over the years) and these are the best I ever had. They're wearing out and I went on line (after calling the store and being told they are not stocking them any more) to order a couple of more pair. Not finding them at all. So I emailed the "contact us" address for the company with my request and got a general reply apparently written by some for whom English is a second language saying to visit the website.
So I will add "The ability of the company representative to respond in understandable English diminishes with the complexity of your request".
DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to google (or bing) leather dress shoes!
If you do, expect to have to explain to your wife/spouse that you're really not into BD/SM online porn.
The Universal Law of Screwdrivers:
If you need a Philips, you will only be able to find flat blades.
If you need a flat blade, you will only be able to find Philips.
And then the devil created ‘square’ screwheads and ‘star’. When we bought those tools, he created ‘security star’.
When will it end?
And on the eighth day, God created the Dremel tool. And He saw that it was good.
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