Posted on 08/16/2018 11:21:08 AM PDT by heterosupremacist
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheap, tacky clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the animal shelter and pick up a Labrador retriever.
Then, we'll go to a nice old roadhouse in Texas and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working middle-class people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Odessa, Texas. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of Lone Star beer for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Oh, hell no," said the bartender. "Somebody's running around town tellin' folks there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
Yyyyup! I liked it.
Still chuckling, very funny!
Didja hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
I’m bored. I’ll play.
Three lovely ladies decide to go hunting deer.
One is brunette, one is a red head and the third is a blonde.
With great stealth they go through the woods, guns in hand.
So the brunette comes upon a set of tracks and guesses, bear tracks. The red head looks and states, deer tracks.
The blonde goes over to view the tracks and gets hit by the train.
5.56mm
Another Halloween joke:
When I was eight years old, I asked my dad for money to buy a Halloween costume.
He said, “you don’t need any money for a costume - put jockey shorts on your head, and you can be an ass!”
~Rodney Dangerfield~
Want to hear a dirty joke? The boy fell in the mud.
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
A+
An American was traveling around in Mexico when he suddenly discovered that he had lost his wallet with all his money and ID. He decided to get back to the border as quickly as possible and get back into the USA.
When he got to the border, he explained what had happened to the guard. The officer was sympathetic, but insisted that he needed to prove that he was an American before he could be allowed in.
So, the guy said to the guard, “I don’t like to talk about this, but once when I was drunk I had a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek, and a picture of Bill on the other butt cheek.”
The guard said “I find that hard to believe, but if that’s true it will prove that you are an American.”
So the guy dropped his pants, and sure enough, there were the pictures of Bill and Hillary on his butt.
The guard was amazed, and said “Welcome back to America, and have a safe trip back to Chicago.”
The guy replied “Well, I am from Chicago, but how did you know?”
The guard said “I knew that from the picture of Obama in the middle.”
My wife was thinking about getting a boob job for $5000!
So I suggested she just rubbed toilet paper between her boobs for awhile.
She question me as to why I would suggest that?
So I told her, “ we’ll it can’t hurt,I’m mean look what it did for your ass”.
The divorce was shortly there after, she had no sense of humor.
Two ladies standing in the yard, chatting over the fence.
First lady says, My my, lookie there, isn't that your husband coming around the corner? And he's got a whole armful of red roses--must be for you!
Oh lawd, said the second lady. I'll have to have my legs in the air for the next three days!
First lady, frowns, says, Why, couldn't you just buy a vase?
Superman is slowly cruising through the sky when he spots Wonder Woman, naked, spread out in the sun on a sandy beach.
Not wanting to waste the opportunity, Superman zooms down and has his way with the delectable super heroine.
Completing the task, Superman roars into the sky screaming like a warrior.
“What the hell was that?” Wonder Woman asks breathlessly.
“I dunno”, replies the Invisible Man, “but my a$$hole is killing me”...
A man walks into a bar and says, “OUCH!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a slight pause, I Laughed Out Loud, and still am HaHa
People are looking at me standing in the airport laughing.
A KFC contest in the 80’s that my dad won something...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a Kentucky Fried Chickens accross the street, and everybody knows they do chicken right!
OK....#61 is the best! I am still laughing at work.
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