The best thing you could have done was post this on FR...You got to express your feelings, and found out that you are not alone.
Praying for you, my FRiend, in Jesus Holy Name.
Sorry if this sounds hard, but the situation isn’t about you. It isn’t about your feelings or fears, or what shape you’re in. It’s about your dad and your stepmom. Help them any way you can.
I’ve been primary caregiver for a dying loved one, and I absolutely depended on help from others. Without external help with daily care and nursing expenses...well, I don’t want to think about it. It was bad enough as it was.
Don’t find yourself looking back and wishing you had helped more.
May the Holy Spirit guide and comfort you.
My most effective prayers have been when i go to Him in pain and confusion and simply say "Dear God, please help me"...then let Him work on it/me by concentrating on what's before me for the rest of the time because I don't have to "obsess" over it for Him to do what He does. He has given me much relief and emotional/spiritual closure over the years and He wants your pleas too.
My prayers are up for the situation but I believe prayer works best for those who say the prayers - all you can do is pray and love your Dad as best you can.
God Bless
Dementia is the worst kind of hell for all involved. The patient has no idea what’s going on and the caregiver bears the brunt of it.....I went through this for six years with my mother...she passed six months ago...the last two years of the disease were pure hell - it’s tough to grieve a person who is still alive....watching them day after day slowly die and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. My prayers are with you and your family MountainWalker....please find a dementia support group in your area or join one on FB, support groups are very helpful, people going through the same thing as you, patients at different stages of the disease, caregivers will give you advice and tips on how to cope with what’s coming.
“I just wasn’t prepared to deal with this so soon. “
Nobody is. It’s brutal...I lost my father the same way although he was 86. 71 is too young. Stay strong.
Prayers up for you and your family! My mother had dementia for several years, before going into nursing home. Everyone’s experience is different, however it is hell! I found comfort and great advice in my relationship with God! I think your wife gives good advice in suggesting a counselor, as long as it is a faith based one.
Not being Catholic, I couldn’t suggest anyone. I do know the power of the Holy Spirit operates in both Protestants, Independents and Catholics, and many counselors are well known within their denomination.
“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.... Mathew 6:33 Reading the Bible is comforting, and God reveals his will, and purpose through his WORD. Be blessed, and know others are praying for you’ all!
I lost my dad (also a brilliant lawyer) to a similar course, though his was accelerated by head trauma from a fall, last October. I’ve had many of the same regrets you mention, but I know where my dad is, that he’s having an infinitely better time than I am, and that I will see him again. We have the same Savior. It’s nothing but tough right now for you - do all you can to support your stepmom and try to keep her from “making it easier” for you. She’s the one who needs the supports, and you can help by telling her how grateful you are that she loves him so much. Now is the time for comfort and grace and for being closer to Jesus. If your local church offers it, ask for a Stephen minister, and arrange for one for your stepmom. I’m praying for your family.
It doesn’t sound like you are, but I’ll say it anyway, if not for you, then for anyone else who might be reading.
Even if you disagree, don’t second guess those who are closer to the front lines and having to make the decisions.
It sounds like you have a solid grasp of reality, but frequently the out of town relatives don’t.
It’s difficult, even moreso probably when your parent is so young.
Everything you’ve told us is really about you, not your dad.
Maybe it’s your age and how your dad’s situation is highlighting your thoughts of your own mortality and within those two things, your dad right now and your own life right now, is a lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda stuff. That’s very normal. It’s like self-analysis without someone else acting as analyst for you.
You are judging things. That’s normal too, but just try not to judge too harhly. Hindsight may see things in a different light, but hindsight was not there at the time. We try to make good decisions at any time, and maybe hindsight thinks we should be all knowing and perfect, but we are not. Just don’t judge too harshly.
On the other side, regretting a lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda stuff can be a goad to change, instead of just a bashing over the head for what could have been. The past is the past, but each day is the first day of the rest of your life, not the end of your life, and your path can contain new beginnings.
You now have a child on the way. Your life experiences will change even more.
Since travel is not so easy, talk to your step mom often, as connecting with her and trying to help and comfort her is now your connection to your dad. In its way, somehow, your dad will know, deep down, your ARE connecting.
G-d does not tell us life will be easy and absent suprises and tragedies. He tells us He will be with us, no matter what. Don’t just pray about reminders of that, live it, in peace and comfort amidst whatever the days bring you. You will find yourself aware of it and more at peace, even in the worst of situations.
Trust. We are always thinking we are not doing enough to control our lives, and as you have already seen we are not in control. Trust, that He is with you and be unafraid in a future just because YOU cannot see it.
I’m just grieving, and it gets better with time,
Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior, be, we pray, with this family through their grief; take the aging father to his eternal home when Thy will is to do so. Lead them all, young and old, to salvation in Thy mysterious ways.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, in the company of saints in heaven, amen.
Prayers Up. Seeing our hero father being broken down by life is certainly disheartening. A part of life hard avoided if we love as we are called to.
Recent diagnoses are attempting to put me on the other end of this equation. Try to be understanding as I am coming to realize this whole getting older thing is very confusing and frustrating at times.
Seek the Kingdom and His righteousness. Forgive. And love.
Cry if you need to. Don't feel ashamed. I cried for a long time after the call from the hospital to let me know my wife had died.
Get counseling. Spiritual if you're religious, but get professional help.
Remember that your father/spouse/whatever wouldn't want you wallowing in self-pity.
Keep busy, especially with any legal or financial matters. If you're responsible for an estate, step up and deal with it. Get the help of a lawyer, a realtor, the VA or a veterans group if that's appropriate,
Keep your siblings involved, and help them cope. Be the one they can lean on.
You're married? Accept the support of your spouse, but don't take your troubles out on him/her.
Remember, your father also lost his father. You're not the first person to face this situation. It won't be easy, but the others got through it, and you can too.
Pray for the strength to bear up. Help is on call when you need it.
I read down on the responses and didn’t see this answer. Pray for your step mom. Thank her because she was sent from heaven if she is doing a great job as you say. Bless her, your father and your family.
Prayers up and continuing for your father and your wonderful stepmom, for you and for the family. It’s a great blessing that you have been able to enjoy him for such a long time!
One of the hardest things for me was to come to the realization that God is NOT like my human father. God's love is unconditional and everlasting. He knows us better than we know ourselves, He loves us and wants what is best for us. Resolve to do what you can to honor your Dad, pray for him, love him and carry on his legacy of love, integrity and respect to your child. I pray you find peace with that.
I only have one piece of advice, and maybe you’ve already figured it out.
When somebody develops dementia or a mental disorder, nothing they say counts. It could be the most hurtful, hateful, horrible thing one person could say to another, but it doesn’t count. He didn’t say that. It was a malfunction.
You can’t let it hurt or anger you, because it’s just a symptom. After a while it gets easier just to let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back, and finally you hardly hear it.