Posted on 03/06/2017 4:46:26 AM PST by sodpoodle
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!!!!!!
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes
probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re
rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay
with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful
princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that’s cool.”
I’m of that age. But if you call me senior you might need a piece of steak for that eye.
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we
don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid
the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six
inches,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask
for the height and she gives us the length!”
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently
serving in the United States Congress.
Mark
Subject: Fwd: HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!”
$5 says you will forward this
This is one of the better one’s I’ve heard in a while.
HA!
“I’m of that age”
To break the tension of the News this weekend, the wife and I decided to watch some Netflicks comedians. Only one we recognized was Carvy.
It was sweet to see the “younger” generation complaining about muscle pains, bad backs....getting old.
We looked at each other between the laughs and said: “Hang on! You ain’t seen nothing yet!”
: ) Thanks.
Keep em coming! Great stuff!
Good stuff.Thanks for posting.
I saw Dana Carvey at a private function two days before the inauguration. Most of his set was the same as the Netflix show, but the political impersonations were absolutely hysterical.
He’s the first comedian I’ve seen in a long time who can do political humor yet you have no idea where he stands.
1st OT: I just got a new hearing aid!
2nd OT: Oh yeah..what kind is it?
1st OT: Ten O:clock!
It seems that after retirement - the years start racing away. I found myself checking on all the entertainers I used to enjoy. Cannot believe that Frank Sinatra JUNIOR died last year at age 72. He was a good singer but lived in the shadow of his dad who died in 1998 at age 82. Time is really precious and we must make the most of it.
Even Mondays;)
That’s funny - I can relate to that. My kids get mad because I don’t wear them. - Hey when you are alone and talk to yourself - you know what you are saying - no need for hearing aids;)
"Alright," said the friend, "here's what you do. Go home, hold the barrel three inches below your left breast, and pull the trigger."
So she went home, got her pistol, and blew her kneecap off.
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