When is it time to get a divorce?

Self

[proud American in Canada]

Hi,

I'm doing this on a tablet, so I'm probably doing it wrong. I was just wondering, want to know it's time to file for divorce.

And I haven't been together for a very long time.

I really feel that he ignores me. Which I guess I think is very understandable.

I just think if we would be be together, and by that I mean have s*x, we would be closer. And happier.

I probably should not have posted this no because I'm tired and it's late and I don't know how much I can answer everybody. But I would like some advice I'm just really sad.

[visualops]

my husband made a rule, which in the long run was the best thing for us even if there were times I wanted to do other things. you have to spend some time alone together, even if you are doing nothing. it’s difficult to make love to someone maybe you don’t feel close to anymore. if you aren’t communicating, then you don’t know - maybe he feels the same and neither can bridge the gap. my husbands rule is we have to go spend about 20-30 minutes or so just the 2 of us no distractions, (on every non whoopee day). don’t have to discuss anything of importance or at all. sometimes spending that time reminiscing would make you feel close again. marriage is 2 people struggling through life together, one is strong when the other is weak and sometimes the roles reverse. forgiveness is the greatest thing, forgiving each others faults, and we all have plenty. Be Kind to your spouse. God Bless.

[tinyowl]

I can comment more about this situation when it comes to life in general, that is, whatever part of life ... doesn't seem to want to sleep with you. I'm taking this in the allegorical sense. (i.e. - I'm not talking about same sex or animals) ... I mean all of life or any part of it.

Often, with us humans, the complaint, especially about other things becoming disconnected, is a symptom that we have become disconnected ... and I don't mean that you've become disconnected with him - although that may be true - but that you've become disconnected in general.

1. Make sure your more basic relationship with God, or Life, or whatever your name for 'It' is has full integrity. There is no need to leave him in order to do that. Is your spiritual house clean? Is your body clean? Do you give 110% to life? Are you toxified by booze or drugs or other bad habits?
2. Once your house is in order - and I mean really in order - perhaps it already is but I doubt it (because you are human) - once you can generate happiness and satisfaction within yourself and without sex whether or not he is there - then at that point you will be in a better condition to make such a choice.
3. In other words, like most humans, are you not looking for an excuse for not being independent and at your best? Are you not believing that if only you found a man who would sleep with you more, you would suddenly be at your best? If so -> you will only compound the problem. What in your life about yourself are you avoiding? Take care of that, then see how you feel about this.

I could be totally off base ... don't know you ... but I know myself ... and I know humans in general. Most complaints are either excuses, or, by bringing oneself in Harmony with God ... or with your own values if you don't couch it in religious terms ... problems dissolve by themselves. Is he CRAZY not to want to sleep with you ... or ... if you're really honest with yourself ... are you not exactly emitting a high level of positive life force? Would YOU want to sleep with you if you were a man? (I'm not necessarily talking here about external beauty.) Wish you the best ... hope you first make sure that your personal individual relationship with God and yourself has integrity and energy ... that you have joy independent of him ... then you can take a look at this stuff.

[buffaloguy]

Ask him to do something together that you did when you were dating.

Make him a sandwich while he is gaming. It will interrupt his concentration and gaming habit.

I have spent a lot effort to support my wife’s interests and it works out pretty well.
Don’t divorce. Work on the relationship first.

[tinyowl]

Thanks but it's OK, fungi didn't hurt my feelings.

I spend my life in the air and in trees. He lives on penises.

[semaj]

No one can answer that. I’m on my second marriage pending a divorce that my wife filed for. If the other person is unhappy, there is really nothing you can do that will change that. Happiness comes from within. Your mate should only amplify what is already there.

[visualops]

that is important.
just guessing but he needs to know, from you, that physical closeness (cuddling) doesn’t have to lead to sex, and if it does, he needs to feel confidant he’ll be okay. wonder if he’s asked his doctor?

[DannyTN]

Also be aware that many secular counselors believe strongly in divorce. Many of them will not try to help you fix the marriage, they will just tell you to move on and want you to pay them for that advice.

Which is why I said get a Christian counselor who has professional training.

[glasseye]

Yesterday.

[stylin19a]

If you have to ask....it’s time ?

Too many questions but you did say...”I just miss the closeness.”
for me\us...closeness isn’t about sex, it’s about intimacy ( which i think you are really saying )

where do the kids come in ? can they give an honest opinion ? ( kids see things clearer than those of us in the middle of it )

sleep well...

[SaraJohnson]

Relationships go through phases. You were focused a lot on the kids for years and now they are moving out and you are left with more of your time and mind to yourself. Your husband is still in the last phase and doing what he did when you were playing mommy. Men are dense so he won’t automatically see this. It does not mean he does not love you. : ) The sex thing might be plumbing issues.

It’s just a different time now and you two have to focus on one another again. It’s a learning process and takes some work. Go on dates; find interests to share; be attentive and sweet to him and ask him to be more attentive and sweet to you, too. Accept and love him as he is - older and whatever.

He would not be able to fill the gap left within you by the children growing up. All moms go through this. You have to get new hobbies and interests that fulfill you. You can discover new talents.

All couples go through these changes in life. Don’t panic. It’s really nice in the after children phase once things get worked out.

[Jan_Sobieski]

A woman shall leave her family and cling to her husband...Do not let man separate what God has joined together, except because of fornication - Jesus Christ

[\/\/ayne]

We like the 5 Love Languages. Maybe it can help you.

We also like the Love And Respect books/seminar.

[AnotherUnixGeek]

I think you’ll get more informed advice from your family, friends, and spiritual advisers than you will from anonymous posters on a forum. If you decide to go ahead with it, get an experienced attorney. Best of luck.

[ladyjane]

If you’re over the age of 30 it’s extremely hard to find a man who isn’t already drowning in child support payments.

Good grief. There are tons of good men out there. Good women too. It takes a bit of effort - and some luck - but they're out there.

[Trillian]

Have you tried talking to him about it? It can be very hard to go without being intimate when you’re married. It can make you feel unloved and unwanted, especially during long periods of time.

[shoe212]

If you live in or near a large town, there should be a Divorce Recovery group around. You don’t have to be divorced to join. I’ve led them and we had folks who were in the “undecided” stage.
If you can’t find a group via Google, check with your local Megachurch. They usually have such a group.
Meanwhile, don’t rush anything. Find a Christian counselor if you can. Read a lot. There are books on this, like “Should I leave Him?” by Doss. Or, “How One of you can bring the Two of you Together” by Susan Page.

[GOPJ]

It's not understandable for a husband to ignore his wife... vows were made - for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health... This feels so painful for you - you're in my prayers...

I have no answers but I know from experience that life knocks all of down a couple of times before it's over. Then often picks us up... You're not alone.

[Joachim]

I like the approach to relationships taken by David Burns in his book Feeling Good Together. Highly recommend it. Focuses on both self-understanding and empathetic and honest communication with your spouse. Evolved from Dr. Burns’ long experience in counseling.

[Bodleian_Girl]

I’m not saying they aren’t out there. But it’s hard to find one who isn’t up to his neck in child support.

[Terry Mross]

Don’t ask us. Ask the Lord. Then “be still and know that He us God”. You’ll get an answer if you’re honest. And don’t let your “wants and desires” interfere.