Posted on 01/15/2017 11:38:16 AM PST by Hillbilly sage
For those unfamiliar with Medicare, let me first explain a term. To participate in this program, you must have a "Primary Physician". Physician, of course, means someone that has successfully completed the required course of study at a University somewhere in India. Primary refers to the person solely responsible for income redistribution. They run up charges, then refer you to every specialist and laboratory in the area to get theirs.
On a visit to my Primary Physician, she informed me that due to a highly elevated PSA, an appointment had been scheduled for me to have a prostate biopsy with a local Urologist. For male readers of this post, let me suggest that if your doctor mentions this to you and you have an option, choose waterboarding instead.
To prepare for this ordeal it is necessary to starve yourself and drink mass quantities (about 17 gallons, it seemed) of liquids that were never intended for human consumption. Being raised on a farm, I recognized the odor of one and told my wife that I wished they had left it in the horse.
The big day came and I arrived at a nice office, checked in and sat down in the waiting area. A short time later, this gentleman approached me, stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Dr. Doug". I shook his hand and replied, I'm patient Steve, how the heck are you? On our way to the back he told me that we would have a short wait while they sanitized the probe, then added, "Don't know why they have to do that because we both know where I'm going to stick it". Being me, I quipped, "Must be a lunar probe". He quickly responded with "On no, its Uranus probe"
We talked for a little while waiting for the hot poker to cool somewhat and he noticed my USMC ring. He said the he was also a Jarhead having retired as a Captain. He further explained that while he had wanted to be a brain surgeon, he only started medical school when he left the Corps and was so far behind that he ended up at the "rear".
I was then dressed in a "humiliation gown" and asked to lie down on a table on my side. It was at that point his pretty assistant entered the room. When I saw her I wondered if some child labor law had been violated. They stood behind me and he told her of our probe banter. She said the she believed that I was correct because all she saw was the " moon".
All humor left that room when he fired up that front end loader and proceeded to drive it straight up my rear end. When he finished his work, he commented that I was the first patient he ever had that did not flinch once while he gouged 12 pieces out of my prostate. I took it as the compliment intended and did not think it necessary to explain "Fear Paralysis ".
When I arrived home, my first thought was food, so I fixed me a plate and sat down in front of the TV. A Fox News medical expert was explaining breaking news about the procedure I had just endured. The National Institute of Health had just released an extensive study that concluded the procedure itself may pose greater health risks than the cancer it was designed to detect.
I recently visited my urologist for the typical male problems. The nurse took blood, got a urine sample and left me for the doctor. Doctor comes in, gives me the remove everything and bend over the table look, which I do, knowing what is about to happen.
Doctor asks me what brought me in today and I tell him. He does his prostate exam which from glove on to “here are some tissues to clean up” lasts less than 3 seconds. What I did find out is shouting, “WTF” does make the doctor chuckle. He then gives me a prescription and tells me the main side effect is involuntary orgasm.
So for the next three months it is no tan pants, and all business meetings take place where I can sit at a table.
This is one of those (admittedly well-written and funny) stories where I inadvertently blurt out after reading: “there has GOT to be a better way.”
Same with colonoscopies.
In the early 1970’s, I worked with an old guy who had occasional prostate trouble. He said he wouldn’t be able to pee for a couple of days and he would drive with his wife to a doctor in Dallas.
He said the doctor stuck a probe way down in his urethra, past the prostate. Then the doctor pushed a plunger which caused some blades to pop out and he drug that thing out. He said a lot of blood and urine came out right behind the probe.
He took his wife with him so she could drive back home. He said he had trouble walking out of the clinic, much less drive. I don’t know for a fact if this was true or just a horror story to scare me. If it was intended to scare me, it did.
Good post. Your saga described my experience to a T, down to the middle school assistant. The only thing I would add is they don’t tell you until afterward that it’s completely unreliable. Unless you are riddled with cancer, the odds of them hitting the right area are slim to none.
You inspire me to a new measure of gratitude for my low PSA number.
They didn't find anything and my PSA number has gone down a bit since, so I haven't had a need for the procedure again.
Nowadays, I believe they don't do the procedure after just one high PSA reading. They do an MRI and then a few PSA follow ups first.
I guess the old guy forgot to tell you he had gonorrhea.
Very funny and accurate description of the procedure. I had a prostate biopsy and the pain I endured has only been exceeded by a root canal I had done by a dentist who neglected to freeze the tooth.
The biopsy was completely clean, no problems although it could not detect the rectal cancer.
Thanks for asking and have a happy Trump day.
I had the terrible procedure done described in the article about 10 years ago because my prostate was swelled and my urethra was nearly shut. Things showed that my symptoms were benign as far as cancer was concerned. (I have no family history of prostate cancer or any other cancer.) However, without finasteride my psa levels shot way up. So I took finasteride for 10 years to keep my psa levels down.
I just stopped taking finasteride. Now i’m sure that my psa levels are way up. Also, likely my prostate is likely getting bigger.
Will the procedure you describe reduce the raised psa levels or lowever the enlarged prostate levels?
And I got worried when my Proctologist played Village People during my colonoscopy before the meds knocked me out.
Cologuard, etc. is what they are recommending now.
How’s it feel when ya find out yer the horse on the Animal Farm?
I had an elevated PSA and had the biopsy. It came back positive and I had a radical that supposedly got it all and they say I have a 99% chance that something else will be my downfall. No fun getting the biopsy or having the surgery, but I owe it to my wife to be around for her as long as I can.
Its humor and not meant 2b factual
Any injury to (as in biopsy) or infection of (as in prostatitis) will raise PSA levels. Biopsy does not treat enlargement. If you have taken finasteride for 10 years your prostate should have shrunk significantly and the PSA levels should be much lower. Big prostates make more PSA than normal size ones which contributes to elevated lab values.
I've also been through several colonoscopies and barium enemas as I am at higher risk for colon cancer due to family history. Other than the grand purge of your bowels before the colonoscopy the procedure isn't that bad as you are pretty well sedated. Without going into the details with a barium enema... just plan on checking your dignity at the door and having pity on those 20 something X-ray techs that help with the procedure
So the hot poker up the d*(k is better than a room temperature probe up Uranus?
All men visiting their doctors thinking that the PSA test values tell them much about prostate cancer should be aware what Dr. Thomas Stamey has to say about it.... http://www.yourhealthbase.com/database/a153d.htm Stamey is the doctor who developed the PSA test in the 80s to be marker for prostate cancer. In 2004, he released another medical paper on the subject that basically refuted his first one as he declared that the PSA test, while good for identifying benign prostatic hyperplasia, it was useless as a marker for prostate cancer.
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