Posted on 01/15/2017 11:38:16 AM PST by Hillbilly sage
For those unfamiliar with Medicare, let me first explain a term. To participate in this program, you must have a "Primary Physician". Physician, of course, means someone that has successfully completed the required course of study at a University somewhere in India. Primary refers to the person solely responsible for income redistribution. They run up charges, then refer you to every specialist and laboratory in the area to get theirs.
On a visit to my Primary Physician, she informed me that due to a highly elevated PSA, an appointment had been scheduled for me to have a prostate biopsy with a local Urologist. For male readers of this post, let me suggest that if your doctor mentions this to you and you have an option, choose waterboarding instead.
To prepare for this ordeal it is necessary to starve yourself and drink mass quantities (about 17 gallons, it seemed) of liquids that were never intended for human consumption. Being raised on a farm, I recognized the odor of one and told my wife that I wished they had left it in the horse.
The big day came and I arrived at a nice office, checked in and sat down in the waiting area. A short time later, this gentleman approached me, stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Dr. Doug". I shook his hand and replied, I'm patient Steve, how the heck are you? On our way to the back he told me that we would have a short wait while they sanitized the probe, then added, "Don't know why they have to do that because we both know where I'm going to stick it". Being me, I quipped, "Must be a lunar probe". He quickly responded with "On no, its Uranus probe"
We talked for a little while waiting for the hot poker to cool somewhat and he noticed my USMC ring. He said the he was also a Jarhead having retired as a Captain. He further explained that while he had wanted to be a brain surgeon, he only started medical school when he left the Corps and was so far behind that he ended up at the "rear".
I was then dressed in a "humiliation gown" and asked to lie down on a table on my side. It was at that point his pretty assistant entered the room. When I saw her I wondered if some child labor law had been violated. They stood behind me and he told her of our probe banter. She said the she believed that I was correct because all she saw was the " moon".
All humor left that room when he fired up that front end loader and proceeded to drive it straight up my rear end. When he finished his work, he commented that I was the first patient he ever had that did not flinch once while he gouged 12 pieces out of my prostate. I took it as the compliment intended and did not think it necessary to explain "Fear Paralysis ".
When I arrived home, my first thought was food, so I fixed me a plate and sat down in front of the TV. A Fox News medical expert was explaining breaking news about the procedure I had just endured. The National Institute of Health had just released an extensive study that concluded the procedure itself may pose greater health risks than the cancer it was designed to detect.
Sounds like a great name for a band.
You are a good writer. The style reminds me of Dave Barry.
No surprise. Doctor’s doing unnecessary procedures and raking in fees at taxpayer expense. Do some research on your own to verify whatever medical professional is telling you to see if they know what they’re talking about. If baloney, try and see another doctor. Then decide. You’re the boss. In the end, we’re all going to cash out anyway. Manage that expectation and the rest falls in to place. Assuming your retired that is. My two cents.
Thanks for the info, and how did the biopsy turn out?
I had to travel 250 miles to find a non-surgical solution to my prostate problems. A urologist inserted a sonic heater in my urethra and cooked the tissue. Most body cells are very close to a vein and an artery, which not only supply oxygen, but also keep the cell cool. Cancer cells reproduce faster than veins and arteries. The cells can survive with an astonishingly low oxygen level. But if you heat them up, they die.
With the machine he used there is no risk. Earlier machines could overcook and create problems. The tube itself is water cooled and two probes inserted in the prostate keep the temperature at the optimum level. It is an office procedure and requires about four days to recover from it.
You will have to find a urologist in a retirement area. Otherwise they can’t afford the machine. My doctor did four of these a week.
Meidcare, medicaid, obamacare... Nothing more than a government jobs program for unemployable people and redistributive schemes.
I would kill myself before undergoing something like that.
Nice story. However, you are not bound to that Primary Dr, have changed when I had to find a new one, first replacement was useless, wouldn’t listen. You have to be proactive today
I had that too, and this is exactly what they do together with the school age nurse. (must be some law) what were the results??
Semper Fi Marine, Been there and done that. I laughed at the way you described the situation, very good.
It’s a lot cheaper, and slightly more entertaining, to just hire a hooker to check it out for lumps w/her thumb.
Good job on illustrating just how F’d up this stuff is.
I work with retirees.
Tell you one thing, the more a client goes to the Dr., the more likely they are dead soon.
Granted, some people need care for an acute situation, but frankly more often than not the Health System is trying to find clients to charge, and get addicted or prescribe one drug after the other.
Being there is a history of prostate cancer in my family, I have gone through three of these at 5 year intervals. Got about 3 more years until my next one. Not looking forward to it.
Had the not listening experience with a surgeon last year who performed a colonoscopy. Why a general surgeon and not a specialist? I think my medical group drove away most of the specialists, and now they have new docs just out of residency practicing to become specialists. I overheard an older voice giving this young guy pointers in the procedure room. Anyway, this youngster had the superiority complex common among new docs.
By the time of my next colonoscopy in two years he might mature a bit as a doc and start listening to patients who may know more about their history and condition.
I’ve had 3, not a problem as I have the best Dr in the State....this from my Primary who I have seen for 26 years, and was a Godsend when my first wife was dying of melanoma.
VA stopped giving PSA Tests en masse. "Not accurate" is what I was told. They do however, use them in follow up procedures and sometimes after initial diagnosis has been made. The "old fashion way."
LOVED this! But I am so sorry for your ordeal. You should seek to get it published somewhere.
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