Posted on 12/12/2016 7:30:36 AM PST by pabianice
It was like any other Friday night surrounded by my friends. We were drinking, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. One of my friends, “Debra”, was there, who uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. We’ve gotten to know each other over the past year through mutual friend groups. We were flirting throughout the night, and once everyone left, we started to hook up. Things were going well, I thought, but we stopped. I then saw something was wrong, but never expected them to say, “Don’t ever take advantage of me again.”
I apologized and panicked because I didn’t know I took advantage of them. This had never happened to me before. I walked home feeling awful and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I didn’t know, and that was my problem. It showed me firsthand how rape culture (a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women) was firmly ingrained in my masculinity. In other words, the way that I and other men were taught to perform our sexuality was violent and normalized.
At first, I got defensive. “Physical consent was established,” I thought, but somewhere along the way consent was lost. I reached out to Debra a few days later to gain an understanding of how I hurt them. They said they first wanted to hook up, but didn’t after we started. Once our conversation ended, I wondered why they didn’t say “no” or “stop” or “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I found myself blaming them rather than holding myself responsible. And what if they tried, and I didn’t know? I was acting like the men “who are performing equality so strongly that they don’t practice justice; who expect you to speak up, but who never ask.”
Ashamed, I had a lot of trouble reaching out to my friends for support. I feared that they would either dismiss what I told them by calling Debra “crazy” or refusing to engage with me for being problematic. It was very clear to me how we, as men, fear being vulnerable and channel that fear to dehumanize people with labels like “crazy”, “irrational” or “bitch.” Eventually I opened up and to my surprise was met with a lot of understanding and empathy. It was liberating because it made me realize how little compassion I had for myself. I wasn’t judged for my actions, but my friends told me where I was wrong and what I could do to hold myself accountable.
I want to use my experience to inspire other men to communicate. Not only with our partners, but with ourselves and each other. It was my miscommunication that cost me a friendship, but once I shared with my friends what happened I learned what I could do better next time.
Men, consent should always be vocalized because physical cues are hard to interpret and even harder when you’re drunk. Communication isn’t clear if both parties are intoxicated, and a lack of no is not a yes. Check in with your partner as things are getting physical and open lines of communication, especially when alcohol is involved. Establishing this comfort allows your partner to feel safer speaking up and saying “no.”
When women are being attacked for rejecting men, it shouldn’t be surprising why this fear is valid. Sexuality can be fluid, but I made the mistake to assume that everything that was happening was okay or that my partner would speak up if I was out of line. Check in with someone if they’re questioning their sexuality. They may believe they want to hook up, but could feel differently once things get intimate.
Rape culture needs to be addressed within our communities, in our friend groups and with our fathers, especially when we have an accused rapist becoming the president of the United States. Especially when masculinity is toxic and fragile. Men should talk with one another when we’re confused, ashamed or scared. We are drowning in the false notions of what it means to be a man and I don’t want to drown anymore. We shouldn’t rely on the emotional labor of women or non-binary to validate us, but rather be more sensitive with one another. We should learn together and work toward our liberation. We should help each other by engaging in more critical dialogues and leaning into this discomfort together.
Alisina Saee-Nazari is a Collegian contributor and can be reached at asaeenazari@umass.edu.
I am he as you are he as you are me
And we are all together
See how they run like pigs from a gun
See how they fly
I’m crying
have both given consent at the marriage ceremony
Not these days. Spousal rape is a crime.
I don’t know who’s more pathetic, the lesbians dabbling in hetero or the guy trying to get it going with lesbians. Its like a clinic in confusion. This guy should never procreate. :-)
True, but the Bible isn’t going to save you if it goes to court.
“While your point that a husband CAN be charged with raping his wife is true, still I think that the general admonition that waiting until after marriage to have sex would make SOME contribution to solving the problems raised by the article.”
Sure, it probably would make some contribution, but men are never really safe from rape allegations in this country, no matter what they do. Certainly not at college, since that is the epicenter for this hysteria. I would try to avoid being alone at any time with women if I was in college.
Bull pucky.
Back when boys all had fathers who took them to church, almost every man knew that rape was wrong.
Do the academics who subscribe to the “chose-you-own-pronoun” concept know how unintelligible their writing is? Jeez!
huh?
When I was young and out and about, I knew how to say no. Any guy that felt they had to keep asking would eventually get a no just from irritation! Sheesh, when do women accept that they are more than responsible for this garbage?
Hits on a Lesbian, what a maroon..
My God, what a total screwy editorial, from top to bottom!
Highlights what is wrong with our society.
Lesbians who use plural pronouns and influence their friends into it? Lesbians who fool around with guys? People who openly talk about screwing (aiming for it)? Not even sure this person IS a guy. After all, “he” got involved with a lesbian, whom he states “identifies” as such. Maybe this author just IDs as male but isn’t.
My head is spinning just from the first part.
When one said “stop”, the other stopped.
What’s the problem?
Of course, attempting to mate with someone you hardly know is stupid. That’s why the institution of marriage was created: ensure the participants are willing and committed to the consequences.
Dude, you have issues. It appears that you would try to avoid being alone at any time with the woman you were married to. Ya never know, right? She could accuse you of rape at a moment’s notice! You seems obsessed with reminding people that wives can accuse husbands of rape. I heard it. I get. I understand you have stuff you’re wrestling with.
Meanwhile, the article is about confused kids at college. It’s a different topic.
But feel free to post again and to remind me (again) that wives can accuse husbands of rape.
This whole piece could be likened to yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
Feminists even dispute that.
I can’t even tell what was going on from the bogus pronoun usage. Was this a 3-way, with the use of “they”, or was there just one other person involved.
Large economy-sized bag, suitable for flower bed application.
Maybe she thought he was a male lesbian.
Goo Goo G'Joob.
These people are mentally ill
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