h/t Impala64ssa
A Golden Oldie:
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh darling, I' m sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
h/t Albion Wilde
Dedicated to Madonna:
- Truisms -
People who share their food with me have a special place in my heart.
There is no true definition of normal. Everyone has their own different stupid thing they like to do.
You call it making a mess. I call it marking my territory.
Sanitizers: The thing you use when you're too lazy to wash your hands.
Can you spot the mistake in this pic?
h/t PROCON
Feel the Bern: This short 30 sec video will be the funniest thing you see all day.... guaranteed.
Although an elderly man really loved an elderly woman, he was just too shy to propose to her. Neither of them had ever been married and they had dated about once a week for the past six years. But he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
One day he became determined to ask her the question. So he called her on the phone, "Doris?"
"Yes, this is Doris."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
h/t Zakeet
Advantages of walking:
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
h/t Art in Idaho
Husband's Bluetooth:
Always connected to Wife when she is around.
But when Wife is out of range, it automatically starts searching for new devices.
h/t Albion Wilde
h/t Baynative
A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny Canadian guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes
one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your silly axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes there is a mighty crash. The giant redwood is down, just barely missing the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" asks the head lumberjack.
"Sure... That's what they call it now!"
h/t SERKIT
Old Farmer Smith was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Smith, "But I want you to."
Wife, "But why?"
Smith, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
h/t Iron Munro
Here's a real stinker:
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
h/t DFU
h/t Travis McGee
Donald Trump goes incognito as a squirrel:
Does that thermometer say 114? That's death, isn't it? Or maybe it says 014c? That's 57.2 Fahrenheit, also death. h/t Washington Times.
Some of the Wookie's fav pix:
h/t kevcol
h/t grey_whiskers
Just in case you were wondering: (click the pic for a larger image.)
h/t libertarian27
megga h/t to libertarian27