Posted on 09/21/2016 2:29:39 PM PDT by UMCRevMom@aol.com
Edited on 09/21/2016 3:01:32 PM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
“Squawks”
Not in the antipodes
My now Captain “ACE” says it is a collection built up over the years. Still funny.
Pretty much word for word as I remember it from a many generations of photocopied old photocopy of a typed and mimeographed original tacked on the bulletin board at flight school.
Only change from over 30 years ago I can see was that it was originally attributed to Quantas, if I remember correctly.
Pilit humor right up there with the FAA annotated version of High Flight (which I would post if I wasn’t on my phone).
Pilit -> pilot. I hate my phone!
That made me laugh! I sent it to my daughter, who is an engineer. She’s dry and those comments would be exactly something she would say.
“Remember to take all children with you when you disembark or we’ll sell them on ebay.”
Could you imagine if some black kids were on that flight and some civil rights lawyers
Have you ever seen Zero Hour its the movie spoofed by Airplane its funny as heck
Plato was one smart dude.
We don’t sell them as slaves. Oh no, we sell them as pets.
I won’t go on with the rest of it.
And fun to play with
You know, having been an aviation mechanic myself onetime, I can see this type of thing being 100% authentic. All of them...:)
LOL, what do you think? I could see these exchanges...
Oh, No! Pilit Humor! That’s HUGH and SERIES! That could be a classic there!
Hah. Pilit humor become pilost humor when the fuel runs out ....
The four most useless things in an airplane:
The amount of air above you.
The amount of fuel you left on the ground.
The length of runway behind you.
The maximum airspeed possible ... going straight down.
High Flight (FAA Version)
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth (1),
And danced (2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed (3) and joined the tumbling mirth (4)
On sun-split clouds (5) and done a hundred things (6)
You have not dreamed of — Wheeled and soared and swung (7)
High in the sunlit silence (8). Hov’ring there (9)
I’ve chased the shouting wind (10) along and flung (11)
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious (12), burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights (13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle (14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
The high unsurpassed sanctity of space (15),
Put out my hand (16), and touched the face of God. (17)
Federal Aviation Administration
“High Flight” Supplement; Rev. 2001
1. Flight crews must ensure that all surly bonds have been slipped
entirely before taxiing or flight of aircraft is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, all crewmembers and
passengers must be wearing seatbelts. The Fasten Seatbelt sign
must remain illuminated if installed.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed maximum certificated climb
rates or designated aircraft ceiling.
4. Aircraft engaged in carrying passengers for hire are prohibited
from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all
applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
6. All hundred undreamed things must be submitted on an
approved FAA Flight Plan and approved prior to execution.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging must not be attempted
simultaneously except in an approved simulator.
8. Sunlit silence should be considered an indication of a major
engine malfunction.
9. “Hov’ring there”—in fixed wing aircraft—should be considered
a possible indication that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local Flight
Service Station. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should
be immediately reported to FAA Flight Watch on 122.0.
11. Pilot craft flinging may result in exceeding the stress limits of
the airframe and may cause motion sickness.
12. Should the pilot or any crewmember experience delirium while
in the burning blue, a review of his (her) medical certificate is
warranted.
13. Windswept heights must be cleared by a minimum of 1000 feet in
designated non-mountainous areas; 2000 feet in designated
mountainous areas.
14. Encounters with larks are permitted if contact with the
aircraft is avoided. Eagles must be widely avoided to prevent habitat
disturbances as required by the Endangered Species Act.
15. ATC and the Department of the Interior must issue a special
clearance for treading the high untrespassed sanctity of space.
16. Opening the pilot’s vent window for the purpose of putting out
hands, or any extension of bodily extremities, should be avoided
except during slow-flight in non-pressurized aircraft.
17. The FAA is restricted from issuing any ruling concerning the
appropriateness of touching the face of God during flight operations.
Having been a ‘flightline maintenance man’, reading these supposed intelligent reports by pilots, reminds me of many of the same things written by front-and-rear-seaters of the former 35th TFW of the late George AFB, CA.
A true, weird and funny one was that the backseater’s radar scope would wink in and out while in flight, but would remain lit, while the aircraft was all running on the tarmac. We had to have a guy from our radar shop actually fly with the pilot of that aircraft, with all the lower cockpit panels removed, to find the one 22 gauge wire causing all the trouble. Of course, the pilot has his fun with the poor guy, jinking around the sky to make the wire move ‘just so’. Once the wire was found, the pilot returned to base and landed the plane. The flight, was right after lunch ... (you fill in the rest). The aircraft was towed to the repair dock, to be fixed. The repairman was sent to the hospital for a day of observation. The pilot was found later at the Officers’ Club, and summoned to the base commander’s office. He had to clean the entire rear cockpit of the mess, BEFORE, my shop crew could begin the repair work.
Years ago I read a list that was either the same as this one or similar, and it was from Qantas.
Years ago I read a list that was either the same as this one or similar, and it was from Qantas.
Doing a quick scan, I see about 99 fatalities on Quantas since they started flying. Looks like 23 of those fatalities were when planes were shot down by the Nips, so those wouldn’t be counted as accidents. So let’s say 76 fatalities in accidents.
Southwest’s only fatality was a boy in a car which was hit by a plane.
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