It's summer time....and boy it's getting crowded out there...
Posted on 07/24/2015 5:49:22 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Obama was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Every time he moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, ''Hey, could you go walk the dog?''
Arriving at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'Why no he answers, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.' Mohammed higher than Jesus!
Man oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with asilver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and Omega. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Yes! Please, my Lord' as God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl somewhat heavy upstairs.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
Obama said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we've only got two armies left to deploy: Salvation and KISS." --Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities
"Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They're drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That's how excited they are." –Conan O'Brien
"It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, 'That's great! Wait, WHAT?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The president of Iran prematurely announced the nuclear deal on Twitter yesterday before it was official. Which isn't that big a deal until you realize the guy who almost had nukes is known for accidentally hitting 'Send.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix." –Conan O'Brien
"Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah, because when you think well-built nuclear reactor you think Russia" --David Letterman
"The White House is making a special Twitter account to answer questions about the new nuclear agreement. Finally using Twitter for what it was designed for — explaining complex, international nuclear agreements involving several nations." –Seth Meyers
"Now that some economic sanctions are being lifted, Iranian citizens are apparently clamoring for Western products like iPhones. We should have just sent them iPhones in the first place. Then they'd never get any work done on a nuclear weapon." –Seth Meyers
IN!!!
Woohoo!! I need this one!!
SILLINESS!
LMAO.
Hey, top ten! How are you today?
Woo-Hoo!
Good Morning!
The world needs ditchdiggers too.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber, Danny. Didn't want to, I felt I owed it to them.
Atlantic City:
(Miss America pageant 1921)
You! You're no gentleman!
Hey, I'm no doorknob either!
Not Top ten, but at least I’m in the dirty dozen! LOL!
Top 20
Fifty bucks the Smail’s kid picks his nose. Will you loofah my stretch marks?
What country never settles anywhere? Rome
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.