Einstein, Freud, Bohr
Posted on 02/16/2015 2:14:51 PM PST by Vanders9
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties – pure silk, and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you! But I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"
Well, I guess that some of them do wear ties then. After a quick search, I even found that some say that the Rebbe sometimes wore a tie. Does anyone here know if that is true?
Jews do wear and sell ties. Elie Wiesel wears ties, Netanyahu wears ties, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach wears ties. Jews own hundreds of clothing stores that sell ties.
Einstein, Freud, Bohr
She drops her nail file
Cent....Ask Wasserman-Schultz! HEH HEH HEH HEH!
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz??
I'd she replaces the batteries. :^)
A system that never goes down.
LOL, that’s good.
A recently posted list of Jewish Jokes in a usenet’s RFC:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand? “The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. “ Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking. “The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q : Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak. “The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days. “The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? “The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you
should call.”
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband. “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
* A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q : What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off
LOL!!!
Man, Charlie’s Angels have certainly let themselves go ...
Mother of all Jihadist Jokes
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.’’
Yes, I remember him as a baby’’ says the other mother cheerfully.
He’s a martyr now though” the mother confides.
Oh, so sad dear’’ says the other.
And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’’
Oh, I remember him,’’ says the other happily,
he had such curly hair when he was born.’’
He’s a martyr too’’ says the mother quietly.
Oh, gracious me . . . ‘’ says the other.
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18’’, she whispers.
“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, ‘’I remember when he first started school’’
He’s a martyr also,’’ says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
“They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
A man was telling his buddy, “You won’t believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again, and don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose. “
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”
“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that, she actually said...
“Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign.”
I used to go cross-county skiing in the Catskills. A place with great trails was some huge fancy hotel. Three or four stories, at least 500 feet long. It was all run-down except for one little area on the end where they had a wood-stove going as a warming area.
A nice article about those long-lost days:
http://www.laobserved.com/intell/2013/08/two_jews_walk_into_a_catskills.php
“....Where Alan King was so big he gave a command performance for Queen Elizabeth. According to Frank, there is no record of Her Majesty’s reaction when, after greeting the comedian,”Hello, Mr. King,” he replied in kind: “Hello Mrs. Queen.”
From Catskills’ mouth to Liz’s ears.
“No Jew at that time ever went back to Europe [on vacation],” Jackie Mason explained, “because they just came from Europe ... and that’s where everybody got killed.”
Deprivation and scarcity were American Jews’ history, and they continue to reside in the collective memory. Black-and-white footage depicts a young Woody Allen in front of a microphone, fingering his pocket watch. “An antique gold heirloom,” he muses. “My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch.”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.