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A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

The cop says, “Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

“Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. “I haven’t had a single drop! The machine is obviously broken, test it on my wife!”

The policeman reluctantly agrees as the man does not seem intoxicated. As the wife is blowing into the breathalizer, it beeps again and shows that she is drunk as well.

“See? It doesn’t work! You can even test my 4-year-old son!”

So the 4-year-old kid takes the breathalizer test and whaddaya know, it says he’s drunk as well. “As I said it’s broken, you should get it checked.”

The policeman is left puzzled, he apologises and lets the man on his way.

As they start driving along again, the man turns to his wife and says: “You see that? I told you it won’t hurt to give the kid a taste.”

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fall flat on his face. After a couple of attempts, he finally made his way back to his feet and plodded forward towards a row of cars, struggling to keep his balance. The cop eyed his mark, watching the man try his keys on five different cars before finding a door that would open. As the door swung, the man fell backward on the ground.

As the bar began to empty, the cop studied the man to see if he would make it back to his feet. After several attempts, he managed to crawl his way to the open door and pull himself up into the seat. As he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes, the parking lot continued to empty. By the time he finally found the ignition with the key, the last car was pulling out onto the highway. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer who had patiently waited for this fell in behind him and turned on the blue lights. After a block or two, the driver finally pulled over. The cop approached his window, ordered him out of the car, and administered the Breathalyzer test. The man blew into the tube, but the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He ordered him to blow into the breathalyzer again. And again it showed a reading of 0.0. The cop screamed, "This is impossible! How you blow a 0.0?"

"The driver replied, "You've heard of a Designated Driver, right? Well, I'm what they call the 'Designated Decoy'."