Posted on 07/04/2014 9:02:19 PM PDT by proud American in Canada
Hi all,
I never, NEVER, thought I'd post this here. But at this point, I have no one to turn to.
I'm a 51 year-old housewife/reporter and photographer who tries to make money doing proofreading, editing, writing,taking pictures, and oh, yes, selling ads for a phone book belonging to a dear friend of mine who was on Gatineau's city council (that's how I met him; we broke a lot of stories here).
I need to make a profile on FR; it would save a lot of time. :)
Long story short. I grew up in Des Plaines, IL, met my French Canadian husband about 20 + years ago; we moved to Denver and had a son and daughter there. Thank God they were born on American soil! :)
About 15 years ago, my husband got a job offer and we had to move north. I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach; I couldn't breathe. I fell into a depression after moving the kids, by myself, driving all those miles (my husband had already bought a home and begun work with the government up here).
A year after we moved, 9/11 happened...and even though I was far away, I felt even more depressed, probably because I was separated from the country I love and knew was hurting, but I couldn't do anything. Thanks to FR, I sent care packages to the troops...
Anyway. Fast forward to today. I began drinking hard, and now, it seriously imperiled my health. I have to stop, and I do, for periods of time, but then... something happens and I fall back into old habits.
Example. I`ve never had a D.U.I. (I never drink and drive), but I lost my drivers license at the hospital because my brain chemicals were out of whack (too much ammonia?). I'm on lactylose.
Last weekend, a long weekend here because of Canada Day, I had a lot of errands to do with the car, so I needed hubby to drive me around.
Things were okay... until at some point, he kept being so sarcastic, so .... fake ... he kept saying, "where should we go right now? Please, let me help you!" (fake, fake, fake). I started to cry in the car. He'd beaten me down after two days of me asking him to drive me here and there to help my (Gatineau city) councillor friend make money...
I cried and gave up, and bought some booze at the grocery store, while he bought "make your own pizza" fixings...I had said, "we can get all of that at Walmart.." (where they don't sell alcohol). Instead, he chose a grocery where they sell alcohol…the one thing I didn’t want him to do).
Long story short, I feel like I'm pushing up the proverbial rock while my husband is kicking it, hard, back into my face.... all while doing that in front of our kids so that they have no respect for me. btw, when I don`t drink, we have the same fights... just not as emotional on my side. What do I do? How do you deal with trying to fix yourself when everyone seems to be aligned against you? Any advice would be appreciated. And I feel so embarrassed to reach out like this, but I’m at my wit’s end. My husband seems closer to our daughter than he does to me, and it hurts. Julie
Thank you both. I will check out the Youtube video.
Take care,
Julie
I lived in Canada for 2 years and hated it. For me it just didn't have the life that the US has. I think it's better now under Harper though.
I'm so glad you posted...I will pray for you. And I will send some prayer up for your husband too. It sounds like he's not the most sensitive of men.
Psalms says "it's only in Him that we dwell in safety". This is so true. You may already be in the scriptures. If not, please spend a half hour or so each day (Psalms are beautiful and build strength...when I am in a hopeless situation I recite a verse of two in my head all day long to myself. It helps). Lots of Blessings of Grace on you! Prayers up!
Julie,
I second the advice about going to AA. I just celebrated 4 years in May and I couldn’t have done it without AA. You can’t do it alone. But you have to stop blaming other people for causing you to drink. You have to take responsibility for your sobriety. It’s tough at the beginning, but AA will give you support. Just keep going to meetings and listen and keep listening. Take it one day at a time, or one minute at a time if necessary. Read the Big Book. Get honest with yourself. You can start over - life really does get better when you stop drinking. Hang onto the promises - “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly”, but things DO get better. Get a sponsor - do the steps - they change you from the inside. They say in AA that it’s an inside job and it is. You learn humility and it stops being just about you. Please just go - you’ll meet people who will love you until you can love yourself. God bless you - with His help you can do this!
The first thing you should do is take care of your liver.
Second, call a truce with your husband even if it’s unilateral. With your health, you’re going to need his help. I would say there’s been some long term grudges in your marriage due to the move to Canada.
“Praying for you Julie!”
Thank you, TropicanaRose! :) I’ll send you a FReepmail. :)
.
They often become fearful if you get sober you won't need them therefore they unwittingly sabotage you.
Go to AA for the drinking, only place you'll find where everyone there wants you to make it! GO TO MEETINGS,STICK UP YOUR HAND and ask for help.
Check out Recovery International for the mental issues and contact a psychiatrist as well. No anxiety meds or any other potentially addictive meds. Antidepressants can helpful till you get on your feet.
Consider a rehab (AA supportive), getting 30-60 days away from influences has helped many get a good start.
Can't stress Recovery International enough (Dr. Abraham Low). It will teach you the tools to deal with fear, anxiety, anger and depression. Typical triggers for alcoholics.
Pick up Sermon on the Mount by Emmit Fox keep it handy! Let go and let God!
Good luck!
FWIW, I think by posting for “help”, you have made the first most important step to recovery! Takes a lot of courage to admit one has a problem.
I’ve been sober 22 years. When it finally dawned on me I was either going to drink myself to death, lose another wife and family, I went and spent 10 days in a detox center. I proved to them I was committed to stop drinking I was transferred to a group home based in an apartment complex with a hundred or so people just like me.
After 90 days, my wife and kids visiting me and saw the change, I moved out and back home. Focused on family and my job. I attended AA meetings but after a couple years stopped going to them. I turned my life over to God and have been sober since. I have no desire to drink at all, none.
I made a commitment to God and family and have kept it. YOU have to want this, when YOU have made the sincere decision, PRAY and the strength will come, God helps those who reach out to Him.
I’m not a fan or a non-fan of AA. If you need it, it’s great that it’s there. I once had an employee who was my friend’s Dad. He was, without question, the single most dedicated drinker/drunk in human history. If he didn’t go to an AA meeting 365 days a year, and yes, I include his birthday, Christmas, anniversary....all he would have to do was to drive by a liquor store and he would be literally face down in the gutter within 75 yards of that store.
However, he was hands down the most awesome salesman for the particular type of computer hardware I was selling at the time and I jumped at the chance to not only hire him but to build my company around him. Because he knew absolutely everyone in the business.
It doesn’t sound to me like you are in a condition where you need the rigamarole of AA, but again, I have no opinion of it, nor am I a licensed or experienced therapist. I have known both exceptionally talented people and entirely ordinary people who required it and benefited greatly from it. I also have what I consider lots of experience with drunks and drug addicts, more than I would wish on anyone.
I believe the key is to get busy with stuff that takes your attention off yourself. Editorial stuff w/the local church, or churches, friends, anything. And be selfish about why you are doing it, know that you are doing it to keep yourself occupied. The value is not the money you might earn, but the distraction from getting overly internal and the acknowledgement you’ll get from those who value your presence and contribution.
Should that not work, go to AA by all means. But this (what I am suggesting) is not “thinking about it”. This is doing it, putting your body in motion. The alcohol is about dulling the sensation of disharmony between the external physical environment and the internal mental/emotional environment. By getting busy doing things you might enjoy, you get yourself into the habit of working to change your external environment while supporting the idea of changing your internal powerlessness and feelings of low-value.
Just from experience, you need to part ways. It happens. Good luck to you both.
This is going to sound harsh, but you need to start cutting ties with the people around you who aren’t letting you change yourself into a better person. Alcoholics who want to genuinely get better, or if you want to change a general habit, you have to restructure your life and end up changing your life around.
That includes removing people from your life who sabotage you or try to down your efforts to better yourself. Hard, but in the end, you’ll see how easier your life is. These downers are just baggage and just a problem in your life. They are in fact, part of the problem and will remain so.
That they aren’t encouraging you to better yourself is a huge red flag and something that you need to think long and hard over. They’ll keep you from making your life better.
I’ll second my fellow Marylander, look to our Lord dear FRiend. He is always there for you and your family. Trust in Him, and count on my prayers!
WIW, I think by posting for “help”, you have made the first most important step to recovery! Takes a lot of courage to admit one has a problem.
Thank you bonfire....you’re the reason I posted here. There are so many caring people like yourself here.
Take care... and I can’t stop replying because so many kind people have answered me. :)
J.
Don’t make excuses.
Sarcasm and “tough love” are communication styles that have developed between you and your husband, you’re as responsible for them as he is, and they are probably better than the alternatives. They are not the problem.
Don’t drink, don’t be a martyr, look for ways to support your family, not ways to be supported by them.
Alcohol is a depressant and to counter it's depressive effects, start an exercise routine if you aren't already doing so. When you are out of shape, starting to exercise can be depressing but keep at it and after a month or so of regular vigorous exercise, you should start feeling noticably better about yourself.
In general, something must not have been going right in you life for some time that you have not consciously come to grips with. Subconsciously you know your life is at a place you don't want it to be but undoing that appears so difficult that you don't want to try. So, the bottle becomes an escape. As long as you continue using the bottle as an escape, you will never change the underlying causes of your unhappiness because the depressive effects of the alcohol will keep you from doing the many things you need to do to change your life. Each day that you don't take steps to change the fundamental problems in your life is another day that you will rely on the bottle to escape.
Christians aren't perfect. Many profess to be Christian but aren't. A test for true Christianity is known as fruits of the spirit as described in the New Testament book of Galatians chapter 5, verses 22 and 23 which are:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
If you examine yourself and find that you aren't bearing such fruit, either you haven't become a Christian, or God's presence within you isn't strong. Christians believe that on our own, we cannot simultaneously have love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
In your case, you lack the last item, self-control. If you are not already a Christian and wish to learn more about how to achieve better self-control, I and many others here will be delighted to help you. If you are already a Christian, I would recommend examining your life for areas that you have closed off to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit can work wonders in out life but only if we let it.
Disclaimer: DannyTN is not a counselor and has no formal training or experience with alcoholism, but he plays one on FR.
I agree. Jesus is standing next to you right now. Honest injun. Ask him what you should do. Be aware he knows everything about you.
And one other thing. Focus on good things and happy things. Even when your deep in the crap. If you focus on good things, your headed for good. If you focus on bad things, your headed for bad.
in my neck of the woods, and I'm sure in yours, there are detox units that give you medicines to see you thru coming off alcohol with out having the dt's.....most insurances seem to allow it....
you're biggest problem is your husband...either he doesn't see the problem or he hates the idea of you getting off the booze because then you might see him more clearly, and that scares him...
do you have a church you can find counseling?....I would suggest talking to someone with a good background, get into detox, and afterwards, join AAA for a lifetime of recovery...in AAA, you'll also find friends who know what you are going thru....
God bless you....and I will say prapers for you as for many other freepers I would imagine.
i am prolly the next to the last person to give advise, but my two cents are, if the only reason you moved to Canada is because of a job, there are jobs here in the US if he cares more about a job than you, well...
the kids are US citizens and you can come home anytime you want to.
God's love
of course joining AAA is nice but I guess what I meant was AA......lol...God love ya...
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