Posted on 05/23/2014 5:38:26 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?...
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once..
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan, The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan .....)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . .. . "He-brews"
Don't argue with idiots...they will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience!
Sorry. It was done unknowingly. :)
That was harder to find.
LOL!
A Russian guy is entering Canada. He's at the customs counter. Customs agent looks at his passport and asks "Nationality?" "Russian" "Occupation?" ""No, just visiting".
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says "Who is this?" "This is the maid" answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house".
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Umm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband".
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with". The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh... is this 922-1181?"
That’s a good one. LOL!
I still have all of the IPW cards on my office computer as well as the PhotoShop base file. If you need an “original”, let me know.
I had... mind you HAD... to go out to the Colonial Golf Tournament on Friday, so I missed this.
I can’t remember the file name of the monkey with the HP calculator else I would post it. I think I even have one with a birthday hat on for F/A day
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