LOL. Good one. Thanks for the laugh.
Boy, did I need a laugh tonight. Thanks very much!
Two old guys in a boat fishing in the river when a funeral prosession crossed the bridge above them,,,,,,, one old man stood and tipped his hat, the other said that was right nice of him,,,,,,,, he said it was the least he could do as he was married to the woman for 50 years.
I found it kind of funny.
Women talk 20,000 words a day, vs men speaking 7,000 words a day.
If women are talking 3 times as much as men, WHO is doing the talking and WHO is doing the listening?
Also, some might call this a joke:
If A Man Speaks His Mind In A Forest And No Woman Hears Him, Is He Still Wrong?
LOL
Mickey Mouse goes to a lawyer to talk about getting a divorce from Minnie.
When he finishes telling his tale of woe the lawyer sighs and tells him, “I’m sorry, Mr Mouse, but insanity isn’t grounds for divorce in this state.”
Exasperated, Mickey shouts back, “I didn’t tell you Minnie was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!”
Guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says,
One day I’m a teepee,
the next I’m a wigwam.
The next day I’m a teepee,
then I’m a wigwam again.
Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam!
Doctor says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”
Allegedly the world’s funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
Husband’s Text (by mobile phone):
Darling, I’ve been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any
serious injury.
However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have
to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who’s Paula?
A rich man on his death bed, says to his wife. I want you to take all my money upstairs to the attic. So when I pass, I will be able to grab it on the my way up.
The wife does as her husband had asked and a few days later the old fellow dies. The wife immediately runs up to the attic and just as she expected all the money was stil there and she says to herself, darn I knew I should have put his money in the basement.
Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad and Dad says "No, Johnny those dogs are just making a puppy". Johnny doesn't say anything and just thinks about that.
Later in the evening, the parents put Johnny to bed early because Dad has a gleam in his eye. After he's in bed, the parents are together in their bedroom when Johnny opens the door and sees them making love.
"Dad! Mom! what are you doing?" Mom looks at Dad, Dad looks at Mom and Dad says "Johnny, your Mother and I are making you a little Brother"
Johnny takes that in for a second and says "Dad, could you turn Mom over? I'd rather have a puppy."
BOOKMARK
A FUNERAL SERVICE— is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!
Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ. The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...
Groucho Marx:
Old mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so is her daughter, I guess.
Is her name Edith Bunker?
Her mommy tells her that someone's weight is something personal that you don't ask about.
Then the little girl asks how old she is.
And her mommy tells her that you never ask a woman her age.
And then the little girl asks why she and daddy got divorced.
Mommy tells her that it is something too personal to talk about, but maybe someday she will explain it to her.
As it was, the little girl had a friend over that day. Her friend tells her to wait until her mom left the room and just look at her driver's license. So mom left the room and the little girl sneaked a peak at the license. A few moments later mom came back into the room.
The little girl told her mom that she was weighed 135 pounds, she was 32 years old, and the reason she and daddy got divorced was because she got an "F" in sex.
Great joke, I have heard it before but my version is a little bit racist. I’d be asked to leave if I told it.