Posted on 05/09/2014 9:07:18 PM PDT by NKP_Vet
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." The lawyer is getting exasperated, "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate."
A man is at work one day when he notices his male co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings”. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it. It’s only an earring”, he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck”
Not in my household. Husband and son do all the talking. I have to be really firm if I want to finish a sentence without hubby interrupting, because he has a horrible habit of that.
So who got in?
lol
A FUNERAL SERVICE— is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!
What's the difference???
Men think women talk to much.
Women wish men would quit interrupting.
Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ. The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...
Groucho Marx:
Old mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so is her daughter, I guess.
WHO is doing the listening?....Certainly NOT me. “ YEAH, YEAH. Shut up and start the lawnmower (or snow-blower depending on equinox juxtaposition).
Is her name Edith Bunker?
I am so sorry for you, really, not being funny. I’ve been through three wives (one died) but the last two have all said the same thing(too pare down one actual comment from #2 or #3) when asked by the Judge “What do you want from this man?” Her response was (and I’m not kidding) “I want this guy the F&&& out of my life.” I told her I was going fishing. Three months later I told her look in my sock drawer for $2500 I had stashed there and send it to me in Belize. No sense of humor at all.
Can you explain it and make me laugh or smile?....Yes. Look to the left and there is a bottle of Scotch you forgot about. Happy weekend!
However, I know of a couple married about this long--she died about ten years earlier than him. They were together all the time: baseball games, shopping, eating out, socializing with their five kids, etc.
She dies. He reveals that he is elated that he can finally be happy. (his words). Says he destested her. (his words again).
He is remarried in a year. Lives out his final ten years a completely different guy.
It was strange to say the least.
Take a few moments to read entire thread ping.
Her mommy tells her that someone's weight is something personal that you don't ask about.
Then the little girl asks how old she is.
And her mommy tells her that you never ask a woman her age.
And then the little girl asks why she and daddy got divorced.
Mommy tells her that it is something too personal to talk about, but maybe someday she will explain it to her.
As it was, the little girl had a friend over that day. Her friend tells her to wait until her mom left the room and just look at her driver's license. So mom left the room and the little girl sneaked a peak at the license. A few moments later mom came back into the room.
The little girl told her mom that she was weighed 135 pounds, she was 32 years old, and the reason she and daddy got divorced was because she got an "F" in sex.
Thank you for a joke that isn’t woman-bashing!
+1.
That’s funny, I wish my husband would do the same thing. Constantly talking without saying anything. Talks on the phone like he’s a teenage girl.
Your version introduces absurdity, which is always welcome in humor if you ask me.
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