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Posted on 11/09/2013 11:24:04 AM PST by virgil283
A Polish tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats, the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and more and more!" "Yes, it's a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big suitcases?" "Oh, it's just the batteries for that watch." ........................................ A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there." "That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him." The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there." .............................. “Is it possible to build communism in America?” We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”
(Excerpt) Read more at johndclare.net ...
In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted. ....................... Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers." "Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures." Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number. "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found." "What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."
"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."
Thanks 1RB...He tells them better than I do...
No Jokes,
Nobama is setting up Gulags to collect American jokers about him.
The reason is not for telling joke, but to reveal the state secret (that he is ......)
Quite enjoyable to see and hear Reagan. The jokes were good.
Two hundred years from now Reagan and Brezhnev are up in heaven having lunch together. Brezhnev looks over his side of the cloud and says, "It looks like the stock market has fallen to a fifty year low."
Reagan replies, "Yes, it is a pity. Did you notice the renewed fighting on the German/Chinese boarder?"
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
All kidding aside, Beria was a monster, he liked snatching young girls and raping them. It was a little easier for Mao, families brought their young girls to him. It just goes to show that in order to keep a tyranny running, you have to hire the most corrupt souls out there. Saddam had son who liked doing the same thing..
We had a German/Chinese boarder back in the sixties. Not a very pleasant man, I can tell you.
Here is a Soviet joke I have never completely understood:
Stalin calls his foreign minister Molotov into his office and grimly informs him, “Listen, Vyacheslav Ivanovich, something very disturbing has come up. I keep hearing reports that you’re a Jew.”
Molotov breaks into a cold sweat, “B-b-but dear Josef Vissarionovich, you know that’s not true! It can’t possibly be true. You’ve known me for all these years!!”
Stalin puffs on his pipe and pauses ominously; “All the same,” he intones, “you’d better think it over”.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
Isvestiya - a newspaper or news agency (not sure) in Russia. "Isvestiya" means "news."
I've heard there is a Russian saying that there's no Pravda in Isvestiya and no Isvestiya in Pravda. :)
Sauron
My mistake. For a minute I thought I saw a different president behind that exploding podium. Well, there was all that applause, so naturally....
Comrade, did you hear that Stalin is cooking breakfast?
Lubyanka, it’s not just for breakfast, anymore.
Thanks, folks, I’ll be hear all week. Try the veal.
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”
We’re answering: “Reorganization.”....In America it seems to be “Reform.” Reformed healthcare, reformed immigration, reformed food standards. Just enforce the PREVIOUS “reforms” and see if that don’t work (for once).
Okay, while we’re telling old Soviet jokes, here’s my favorite:
A rumor made the rounds that a shop actually had meat for sale, and a large queue formed outside.
The shopkeepers were dismayed, and came out to announce, “There’s less meat than expected. All the Jews will have to go home.”
The line thins out a bit. After a while, the shopkeeper comes out and announces, “Comrades, I’m very sorry there is even less meat than expected, everyone who is not a Party member will have to go home.”
Again, after a bit of a wait, the shopkeeper comes out, and announces, “I’m very sorry the shipment was short, everyone who is not a veteran of the October Revolution will have to go home.”
Three old Bolsheviks are left and shuffle up to the door. The shopkeeper is appalled. “Comrades, I’m very sorry but there actually isn’t any meat.”
One of the old Bolsheviks turns to the others and says, “What did I tell you? The Jews get the best of everything!”
These are hilarious. Thank you for posting.
Hopefully, they’ll remain dated instead of needing to be updated.
The Soviets set up a Playboy Club in Moscow, and the attendance is dismal.
“I can’t understand” says the manager, “We have the finest liquors, the best food, the skimpiest outfits, and all the bunnies have been loyal party members for at least 40 years!”
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