Posted on 08/30/2013 5:40:13 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
I have a high school education, am a born-again Christian, and did not vote for Obama.
My cousin, who has a Ph.D. in something (I think molecular biology or some such) and is a cancer researcher in Ann Arbor, MI voted for him twice.
Now, who is the smarter of us??
NEW CHURCH INSTRUCTIONS... This about covers what can happen in the future..
PASTOR: “Praise the Lord!”
CONGREGATION: “Hallelujah!”
PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet,
PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor. 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”
P-a-u-s-e......
“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”
“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a.. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b.. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c.. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to
the church account.”
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
“Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
a.. This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.
b.. Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
c.. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
d.. God bless you and have nice day.”
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re
an asshole!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,”
underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
When I first saw that (before reading the caption), I was thinking “Cat Scan”
Operation Syria’s U Guys
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. “
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times upa!? “
I just got this email in my spam folder....do you think it’s legit? (/heavy sarcasm)
Greetings, addressing you is Jarred Norwood, Superior Accounting Officer at Federal Reserve. We have received an inquiry from your Financial Institution regarding an incoming money transfer from Australian Gas Light Company with concern on the company’s current activity which is valued as “High Risk Activity”. In order to release the funds to your account please complete the attached form “IIMT Form 401”.
Please note if no further action will be taken the funds will be remain locked in the Federal Reserve System or returned to the Money transfer initiator.
Jarred Norwood
Superior Accounting Officer
Office of Inspector General
c/o Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System 20th St. and Constitution Ave. N.W.
Mail Stop K-300
Washington, D.C. 20551
Phone 800-827-9029
Direct Line 800-827-5167
Meh. Sounds legit. Give ‘em a call!
PING for lowbridge!!
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!
I thought about shooting it after the third time, but the First lady wouldn't let me...
5.56mm
I’m not sure. The last time I called a govt facility, it ended weird.
1-800-GM-TRUCK
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 100 old people are reading this
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