Posted on 08/11/2013 6:04:39 AM PDT by rickmichaels
Kristen De Filippis recently had an argument with her aunt and mom about what makes an appropriate wedding gift. “They said, ‘You have to give at least $100 [cash] or more,’ ” says De Filippis, 38, who lives in Toronto. “I was like, the whole thing is insane. It should come down to what you can afford.” De Filippis loves her big Italian family, but wedding season isn’t cheap. It’s standard to give gifts at the engagement party and the shower, and an envelope on the big day. “With the older generation, if you don’t give a certain amount, you’re considered cheap.” (At a distant relative’s bridal shower, when De Filippis committed to giving a $40 gift, her mom put in $150 from both of them instead, she says, to avoid embarrassment.)
In many cultures, giving cash at weddings has long been standard. Now that a growing number of couples live together before getting married, money is an increasingly in-demand present: They may not need another set of towels or dishware, but would prefer funds toward a vacation, or the down payment on a home. “I have five weddings this year, and five next year, and I’m giving cash at all of them,” says Amanda Marshall, 29, of Vancouver. Having polled her close friends, she knows that’s what they want. But other guests can see it as a cash grab, and in some cases, cash-strapped guests are fighting back.
The first high-profile spat erupted in June, when two guests at a Hamilton wedding left a gift basket filled with salsa, oil, biscuits, spreadable marshmallow and Sour Patch Kids candies. “Life is delicious,” the card said. “Enjoy!” But the two brides did not enjoy. Afterward, one fired off a text: “I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your date’s plate.” (The brides were of Italian and Croatian heritage, two cultures where cash gifts are the norm.) Outraged, the guests sent this exchange to the Hamilton Spectator newspaper, and it went viral.
Just a few weeks later, another woman—an American named Tanya—went public with a Facebook message she’d received from a friend whose wedding she’d attended. “I just want to know, is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike’s and my wedding that both you and Phil gave $50 each?” the bride wrote, informing Tanya that the cost was in fact $100 per person. “That money didn’t grow on a tree,” Tanya huffed to the Huffington Post. “If she had a minimum gift requirement, she should have specified it … or asked everyone for income statements before inviting them.” While that bride’s reaction might have been unusual, she wasn’t alone in her expectations. De Filippis notes that, at weddings, “it’s understood you have to cover the cost of food per plate.” This is also the rule of thumb with Marshall’s friends.
The average cost of a wedding in Canada is now $32,358, but never mind the couples—for those attending these events, the price is going up, too. This year, guests expect to spend $539 per wedding, according to a U.S. survey by American Express, up 59 per cent from last year. Close family members will spend an average of $179 per person on a gift; for co-workers, it’s $66. There seems to be a growing disconnect between the happy couple and their guests. Most Americans (35 per cent) would like to give a gift from the registry. Most couples (52 per cent) want money. A growing number write on the invitation, “Presentation” or “No boxed gifts,” to more politely imply they want cash, although etiquette dictates that even registry information should be left off the formal invite.
If there’s a generational gap between De Filippis and her mom about how much cash is appropriate to give, Marshall has experienced a different kind of disconnect: an ex’s mom who was told a couple wanted cash, and just “couldn’t do it.” Loath even to buy something off the registry, she insisted on picking something out herself. Indeed, some people still feel that cash is too impersonal. Most people, though, whether givers or recipients, seem to agree on one thing: After the big day has come and gone, proper etiquette dictates that thank-you cards should be sent out for each and every gift—even if it was a lowly box of Sour Patch Kids.
“... a simple bright yellow plastic wall clock”.
A relative gave us a hand written journal/book with her recipes. She organized it so beautifully from soups all the way to desserts. Before each chapter, she wrote out a simple sentence or two offering advice on a good marriage. Not preachy... just simple and cute. I still have that book and her meatball recipe is always requested from us (and her pound cake as well). To be honest, it is hard to remember most of the other wedding gifts. You are so right, PM... some of life’s greatest treasures are simple little things.
I can't comprehend even this. A wedding is supposed to be a religious sacrament. It is the giving of solemn and sacred vows before the community and before God. It is not a party or an excuse to dun others for money. If you want to bring others who are close to you into your joy by extending them hospitality, that's fine, but don't expect them to compensate you for the mildly interesting spectacle of your wedding and reception. It's as appropriate to expect money at a wedding as it would be to expect people to pay you if you invite them to Thanksgiving dinner.
I usually give something I believe the new bride and groom would find beautiful and perhaps useful--perhaps an engraved silver bowl, julep cups, flatware pieces for their silver service, a Waterford vase or bowl, etc. They can take it back if they don't like it, but usually they do like and use it. of course, I try to attend only weddings of people I know well and they are usually well-reared young Southern ladies who will actually find a use for such gear.
How strange people are nowadays! Must be the advent of television reality shows or something so that everyone imagines she has to be a fairy princess for a day, no matter how much it costs and how far removed it is from reality. When you remove God from the center of the ceremony, you get this sort of greedy vulgarity.
Of course, one of the couples in this article is a lesbian pair who state that "weddings are for getting set up financially for the future," so what can you expect. I'm pretty sure they don't spend much time on their knees before the Lord anyway. Mistake #1: going to the wedding of people like that.
Some people gave us gifts, some gave us cash and some gave us the joy of seeing them.
We put on the wedding we could afford and it was a lovely day.
You know, I’ve read about this kind of attitude but thankfully never encountered it.
I can’t even imagine why the hosts of any event would expect the guests to pay for attending. Don’t they call that “an admission fee”?
Have the wedding you can afford and let your guests enjoy themselves.
you are nuts
“guests should cover the plate” what complete bullsheet
no
I threw a dinner for my 16 year old’s birthday; I was taken aback when one of the guests inquired how much was it going to cost to attend! What the folk ever happened to hospitality? I quickly informed her I was picking up the tab. It was a nice dinner, private room at a restaurant, printed menus, cake, salad choice of main dish, lemonade. Not for one millisecond did I expect anyone to pay and I also had no gifts on the printed invites because I did not want or need an influx of new stuff, you have to be a storage genius right now to keep track of all her stuff.
Sounds great. My wedding reception was the best party I ever went to too. Paid for by us, $4,000. Beer, Champagne, Ice sculpture, buffet style, can’t remember the menu but it was at a tennis club
I usually give cash, usually $250-500, depending on how close I am to the bride or groom.
I believe that people that don’t have a traditional courtship don’t get the benefits of a traditional wedding: a big, traditional wedding & reception, a more expensive wedding gift, a fancy bridal shower, or a big bachelor party.
You don’t get the benefits without bearing the burden.
I’ve been invited to white weddings where both the bride & groom had previous live-in relationships with other people. It’s absurd. In those cases I just pick a $50-60 gift from the registry and pass on the festivities.
One solution is to spend less on the wedding from the commercialized fairytale - then you don’t need a lot of cash to offset the event.
Another option is to accept that people have different norms, different financial situations and simply accept their gifts with gratitude.
And these brides should appreciate that a guest may have spent hundreds of dollars to even be present at the wedding and not get in a tizzy for not receiving that much more in cash.
People who had relatively simple, do-it-yourself weddings and receptions seem to enjoy them more.
The last Big To Do wedding I attended was a contrast to this. The bride was so nervous and worked up over all the little details, I thought she was going to be sick.
When we got married, we almost eloped, but decided together that we wanted a church wedding so that our mothers could attend. I'm glad we did now.
However, we both agreed that we didn't want all the hoopla of a large wedding. Our chapel wedding was very short. We only spoke one word during the ceremony... "yes." We had told the preacher we wanted to speak as little as humanly possible... he said he could condense that down to "do you take..." but we had to verbally answer in at least one word. LOL
We were so blessed with friends who pitched in on planning and carrying out the reception. And, as I said before... people still talk about what a great time they had.
When's the last time someone went to a high-dollar catered sit-down reception kind of wedding and thought to themselves afterwards, "Wow, I had a GREAT time at that wedding!"
For me, it's generally, "Well, that's over. Let's order a pizza."
Weddings should be...
“You want her?”
“Yes”
“You got her, now let’s go eat.”
Cash is the normal wedding gift in Asia I think, to help pay for it. I have seen Asian TV programs where those holding the wedding give prizes to the guests,
Our friends all took tons of photographs, and then got together and put them in a book for us.
We treasure that book in a way that I don't think we would staged professional wedding photos.
When did weddings in this country/Canada become an affair to be funded by the guests? The guests had no say in the price tag.
In the old days the father of the Bride picked up the tab, nobody would have expected the invited guests to pay for it. Do you ever pay for dinner when you are invited to someones’ home for supper?
Lived in Japan twice during my service. We went to a traditional Japanese wedding... WOW. I don't know how normal people pay for it over there.
There was a traditional Japanese service for family and very close friends only, delux kimonos that had to have been very expensive. This was followed by a "western" type service, bride in flowing white gown, groom in tuxedo...
After the sit-down banquet and orchestra... finally time to go home. Guests were given a gift bag on the way out to thank them for spending the day with the couple... and it had an assortment of not-cheap presents... clocks, little Waterford figurines, pen/pencil sets, very expensive looking chopsticks and bowls...
wow
Pure unadulterated greed. I wonder how long these mercenary "marriages" last.
I thought the parents of the bride sprung for the expenses. My brother shelled out thousands to give his daughter away. There was never an expectation for anyone to give any money.
I'm a little put off by people telling me it's rude to think you need to cover your plate. These people are the very same supposedly polite "southern ladies" who introduced the idea of bridal registries to middle class Philadelphians and New Yorkers. Even 20 years ago, my wife and I had never even heard of them. And the first time we saw a registry, we were appalled that people would tell us what to buy them. (Here, although registries have become common, most couples still only register for showers, not the wedding).
All that said, there are a few people who don't need to worry about covering their plate at a wedding - the parents and grandparents of the couple and other very close friends and family. If they can't afford it, they absolutely should still attend. Otherwise, work people, not close aunts, uncles, and cousins should stay away if they can't afford it.
The way I see it, a wedding reception is a social occasion to mark a sacramental event. Here in the northeast, while eloping would be fine for a career, announcing a Church wedding date and not inviting the office could very well be career suicide.
As Catholic parents, we wanted nothing more than our children to be married in the Church. We realized the burden this planned and announced date put on our children and sometimes on their in laws. This is why we have always paid as much toward our children's receptions as we could. Of our 8 married children, I would say only one couple had very specific ideas about their reception. The rest were just trying to do what was socially acceptable.
And here that means a cocktail hour, an open bar throughout dinner, and at least a DJ. And if you're an attorney with massive student loans, a VFW wedding with a keg of beer and hot roast beef might be what's in the budget, but it'll hurt you in your quest for partner. And so, I maintain that here in the northeast it would be rude to be on the periphery of the couple's circle and to attend their wedding without covering the cost of your plate.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.