Posted on 05/24/2013 5:21:48 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi. ~ Jay LenoThese White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American. ~ Jay Leno
Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line. ~ Jay Leno
So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano. ~ Jay Leno
President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited. ~ Conan
A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden. ~ Conan
President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four “American Idol” judges. ~ David Letterman
During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.~ Jimmy Fallon
President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House. ~ Jay Leno
A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter. ~ Jay Leno
It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS. ~ Jay Leno
Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner. ~ David Letterman
I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference. ~ David Letterman
That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice. ~ David Letterman
The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It’s Bernie Madoff.~ Craig Ferguson
The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on. ~ Jay Leno
"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington -- like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI -- it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." --David Letterman
"The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." --Jay Leno
"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated -- by the Department of Justice." --Jimmy Fallon
"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' -- try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." --Jay Leno
"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." --David Letterman
"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." --Jay Leno
"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down." --Jay Leno
"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton's chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don't weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky...Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she'll not only be President, she'll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." --Bill Maher
I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again. ~ David Letterman
These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, "Anything else you guys aren't telling me?" And Joe Biden was like, "Uh . . . I broke the copier." ~ Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, "Guys, when I said 'no spoilers,' I was just talking about 'Game of Thrones.'" ~ Jimmy Fallon
Saw it on a t-shirt. It made me laugh.
YUMMMM! Salad!
[giggles] Day 41... [giggles]
Leno: “Tough times for Obama. Yesterday his TelePrompTer took the fifth.”
LOL!
Thanks!
LOL!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where his
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He
went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my
entire career”.
Now that there is funny!
OK, Now I have to explain why I am laughing so hard, which is going to get me in trouble.
To those of you who are too young, here’s a tip. After you have your first child you learn how to use Vaseline during your ‘intimate moments.’
You smear it on the outside of the bedroom doorknob before you begin.
That’s a tip. Write it down.
#57-— a “real man”?
The following questions were asked in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds’)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true!)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (WTF!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)
Q.. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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