As I’ve said before, my son and I were always very close until this marriage, and he seems to have lost all desire to have any contact with me, or tries to make any contact as minimalistic as possible.
I wish I could feel “remote and removed” but I can’t. It stinks.
I know a little bit about how you feel, but from the other side. My parents threatened to disown me when I announced my engagement to my wife. Although they changed their minds, the relationship between her and them has never been good, which puts me in the middle. When in the middle of such a situation, I have to side with my wife, but it’s painful.
I can’t know why your DiL is being a pain as I’m sure you never threatened to disown anyone, but it’s probably really tough on your son, too. If I could have given my mother any advice (and she never listened to me) it would have been to swollow everything she thought she didn’t like about my wife for a few years so my wife could be comfortable with visiting. In the end, that is the part that matters. It matters whether I can visit my mom, not whether she and my wife like each other a lot.
Of course, if my mom had remained civil I would have had to do a lot of talking to my wife to do the same. But my mom was supposed to be the adult.
I’m very sorry to hear that. Imho, one of the very good things about marriage is being a part of another entire family. It’s unfortunate that your daughter in law is unable to appreciate that.