I know a little bit about how you feel, but from the other side. My parents threatened to disown me when I announced my engagement to my wife. Although they changed their minds, the relationship between her and them has never been good, which puts me in the middle. When in the middle of such a situation, I have to side with my wife, but it’s painful.
I can’t know why your DiL is being a pain as I’m sure you never threatened to disown anyone, but it’s probably really tough on your son, too. If I could have given my mother any advice (and she never listened to me) it would have been to swollow everything she thought she didn’t like about my wife for a few years so my wife could be comfortable with visiting. In the end, that is the part that matters. It matters whether I can visit my mom, not whether she and my wife like each other a lot.
Of course, if my mom had remained civil I would have had to do a lot of talking to my wife to do the same. But my mom was supposed to be the adult.
That’s the problem with the boomers. I know only my Dad was the adult in our family.
I think there is a certain amount of “jealousy” on the part of my DiL, but she has covered it well with wily manipulation of my son. He has no idea what her motives are, just that he hangs on every word, and seems to think she is smarter than anyone else in the entire world.
I see her for what she is. She is out to re-make him in her own image, and that disturbs me. She is slowly but surely driving a wedge between my son and I, and I think she is pleased about it.
No good can come of it in the long run, but I have never given her reason to dislike me. I have always been cordial and polite, and swallowed any feelings of hurt and/or hostility that have arisen with some of the things she has done.
My son is oblivious.