Posted on 03/15/2013 5:42:17 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
You have mail!
You’re welcome.
• If Men TRULY Ran The World...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too and the wifes’ birthday.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Oprah and Ellen Degeneres would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.
When your girlfriend and/or wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
Women would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
“But” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the5th drink for you.”
“Well.” said the Englishman “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.”
“Ahhh that’s nothin’” said the Irishman “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then when you’ve had enough drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
“Well” said the Englishman “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not myself personally no” said the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister.”
I don’t see what the problem was. We must have a FemiNazi for a Mod today.
baked taters take too long. unless i’m smoking a brisket, it’s not worth the wait.
squash and bell peppers.. add some grape tomatoes and kebab them, sure.. just gotta start them well before the meat, so the charcoal can burn out and just lightly warm up the steak.
Guys here they are “ The rules for looking at Breasts”
1. If you are with a woman and the woman is your wife or girlfriend - now is not a good time to look.
2. If you are with your mother, girlfriends mother or grandmother (the key word here is mother) you don’t want to explain what your looking at so now is probably not a good time to look
3. If you are with your sister look all you want - but not at hers.
4. If you are with a female aquaintance use the dating rule - If you want to date her follow the wife rule. If you don’t want to date her follow the sister rule.
5. If you are with a male aquaintance this is your chance. Look all you want, feel free to make any comments you want.
Exemptions
You may purchase an exemption for the price of a dark pair of sunglasses
(and Flowers if you’ve been caught)
A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
“My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”
One year my ship was in Malaga Spain on my birthday. When I got off the ship there were rumors floating about a general recall and emergency sortie because something had happened in Lebanon and we (USS JFK) were the carrier in the Med.
I was determoined to celebrate my birthday so I went into the nearest bar and consumed numerous rounds in this order:
Salt
Tequlia
Lemon
Beer
I think they poured me into my bunk that day. Two days later we were off the coast of Lebanon.
Yep... seldom does anything good come from to-kill-ya... well, good stories, maybe.
Tell you what goes good with steak......
Bush’s Grillin’ Beans
Every time a ate the worm, I saw nothing but the inside of my eyelids. Oh and maybe the throat of the porcelain god.
The grillin’ beans make for excellent flatulence as well......
So you really *did* rummage through my profile?
(I see Lucky’s picture.)
Test if it was good Tequila: Do you remember the two day cruise at all?
Yep... some funny stuff there
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