• 40 THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. “I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.”
2. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
3. “How about never? Is never good for you?”
4. “I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”
5. “I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.”
6. “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”
7. “I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.”
8. “I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.”
9. “It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.”
10. “Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.”
11. “I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.”
12. “You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.”
13. “I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.”
14. “I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”
15. “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
16. “Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”
17. “The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”
18. “Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”
19. “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”
20. “I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”
21. “It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.”
22. “Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.”
23. “And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?”
24. “Do I look like a people person?”
25. “This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”
26. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.”
27. “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”
28. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
29. “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.”
30. “Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”
31. “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.”
32. “A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.”
33. “Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?”
34. “Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”
35. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”
36. “Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.”
37. “How do I set a laser printer to stun?”
38. “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.”
39. “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”
40. “Oh I get it... like humor... but different!”
You’re not supposed to say those out loud? %-P
When he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner.
They had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.
“Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.
“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”
“it should,” said the vet, it Stopped Me!”
(Yes, there are duplicates. I don't have the patience to remove them. Besides, if they were funny once...)