***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

Be careful out there shopping?

In a small southern town, she saw a 'Nativity Scene' that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered her: The three wise men were all wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, she left. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, she asked the gentleman behind the counter about the helmets.

He exploded into a rage, yelling at her, 'You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!'

She assured him that indeed she did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible's baby Jesus story.

He jerked his Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in her face he said: 'See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from 'afar''.


The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.



1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.

2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black.

3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

4) Only in America will you find people who burn the American flag and call America an "imperialist nation," but who get offended if you say they're not patriotic.

5) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

6) Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money.

7) Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly.

8) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.

9) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

10) Only in America could the most vicious foes of successful conservative women be self-proclaimed feminists and the National Organization for Women.

11) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

12) Only in America can we have terrorists fly planes into our buildings and have some people’s first thought be "what did we do to make them hate us?"

13) Only in America would we think teaching kids at college is an appropriate job for communists, terrorists, and other dregs of humanity.

14) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether the oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when for every penny of profit the oil companies make, the government tacks on roughly 24 cents’ worth of taxes.

15) Only in America could the first people asked to weigh in on the seriousness of a racial incident by the media be professional race hustlers like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Ben Jealous. In other words, it's like calling in a car dealer as a neutral source on whether or not you need to get a new car.

16) Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear....while you're wearing it.

17) Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines.

18) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.

19) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

20) Only in America could the people who approve of slaughtering 25 million females babies via abortion accuse OTHER PEOPLE of waging a "war on women."

[Salamander]

“Texas executes last remaining citizen.”

LMAO

[Currentriverrat]

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO top 50

[nothingnew]

test

[ArGee]

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

[Tenacious 1]

“Hi. I’ve never posted on this thread before, so I am not sure what qualifies as a silly post. Do you allow like, really stupid jokes?”

Can I ask you a rhetoricle question?

[sunny48]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not! I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘’Never mind
sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’’
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘’Aren’t you going to return the other dress?
You really don’t have another occasion where
you could wear it.”
Her mother just
smiled and replied, ‘’Of course I do,dear.....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.’’

[sunny48]

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and
your a$$ is disconnected!

[MestaMachine]

No.

Woman charged for sex with human skeleton...
How much?

[ArGee]

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I’m very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.

[ArGee]

I know how lawyers' friends are always trying to get free legal advice from them and they hate that, so I try not to do the same.

The other night I asked a lawyer friend of mine if I could ask him a couple of questions if I paid him $50.

He said, "Sure! What's the second question?"

[nothingnew]

What's the answer?

MORE COWBELL!!!

FMCDH(BITS)

[Liberty Valance]

[sunny48]

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our
wings...We simply continue to fly ...On a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.

[MestaMachine]

knock knock.
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Amos quito just bit me.
knock knock.
Who’s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
Andy bit me again!

[BenLurkin]

[sunny48]

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT
1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD...

Click here: http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

[red-dawg]

Getting old:

The other day my wife said to me "Honey, let's run upstairs and have sex!"

I said "You're going to have to pick one Sweetie, run upstairs or sex."

So we had sex right there on the couch.

The hotel manager was PISSED.

[Twotone]

It’s probably been posted before, but a friend just sent it to me:

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.

I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I
sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’

St.. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one
is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..’

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.

‘How many seconds in a year?’

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’

Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ‘

‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was
not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’

‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.

‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’

‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’

[Dead Corpse]

How about here?

http://youtu.be/IIAdHEwiAy8

[BenLurkin]

http://www.moviesoundclips.net/download.php?id=2861&ft=wav