Posted on 09/14/2012 5:45:57 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
top 20 maybe?
Don’t you need a hot tub in that picture?
Something for men to consider....
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure that I pass at least another 4,000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? I think not!
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
_____
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
From the British perspective....
This was a reader’s ‘letter to the editor ‘ published in daily “ SUN” last Sunday. Read and think !!
Tolerance …. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy”, and the other a topless bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called “Iraq o’ Ribs.”
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret “, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge “, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives
these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
I think my dog is a democrat
Top 33 !!!!!!!!!!
LOL
I went to a baseball game the other day. Being retired, all I could afford was “nose bleed” level seats. None the less, it was a sunny day and my home team was playing.
I looked down in the expensive seats and saw some one I thought I recognized, a guy named Lou. So I stood up, and yelled “Hey! Lou!!”. No response from the guy. Must have been some one else.
A bit later, after still thinking this was my buddy, I again stood up and yelled (this time more loudly) “HEY! LOU!” Still no response. People around me were getting a little upset. Yet I was sure this was my pal, Lou.
It’s the end of the game. I was dead certain the guy in the field level seats was Lou. I hadn’t seen him in ages and thought maybe we could meet later for some beers. “HEY LOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!” as loud as I could yell.
A guy way down low stood up and looked up at me and yelled, “I’m not Lou!!!!!!!!!”
good ones
Top 40!!!!
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