Need advice: Friend marrying broke Muslim loser [vanity]

[Feline_AIDS]

Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?

Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.

Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.

This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.

She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.

He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.

So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.

Pros of saying something:

-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or

-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading

-Clear conscience

-It's the right thing to do, I think

Cons:

-Will likely worsen her depression

-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship

[CORedneck]

What is even worse is a Jew marrying a Muslim and I heard how Jewish women married muslims and it was literal hell ! And further to mention, what happens of there is a divorce and there are kids and the divorce takes place in a muslim country ?

[matt1234]

I admire your willingness to help, but why are YOU leading the charge? Your friend’s dad and brothers each need to grow a pair and take care of business. Tell them so.

[BenKenobi]

A-men! The best way to be ignored and alone is to treat women well.

[jagusafr]

Neither of your cons comes within a mile of being as important as any of your pros, much less all of them together. Tell her all of it right away. Aside from helping her to break it off, it will keep you from lifelong regret when he kills her or she kills herself.

Do it.

Colonel, USAFR

[chris_bdba]

Probably nothing you can do for her other than wait and watch her mess her life up terribly.

[M Kehoe]

A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim...

I'm sure a Christian church will issue a fatwa on her...oh, wait a minute...

When she is married to the muslim, and he gets citizenship, I'm sure she will survive the honor killing. Then again, anything can happen.

Sorry, I lived in the Middle East for almost two years.

5.56mm

[LearnsFromMistakes]

When the time comes for my daughters to marry, they will be able to tell easily if the young man has a heart for God, and that is what is significant. But having parents that pray and such is quite valueable.

[Venturer]

I would tell her, even though it will do no good. No harm will be done she will not be a friend any longer to you when he is done brainwashing her anyway.

The harder you speak against him the more she will be defiant about it.

Obviously her parents have spoken to her about it and deepened her commitment to do just the opposite.

One day she may learn her mistake, after a good beating or acid thrown in her face or she tires of wearing a Burka. She may come out of it dead. Her children will be Muslims, and if they separate he will take them to some foreign craphole like has been done so many times.

Once she knows the facts and chooses to ignore them she is on her own.Wish her the best of what will be an unhappy life.

[BenKenobi]

I am looking for that myself. I try to shy away from other converts, because I think that converts, and converts especially should have the benefits of having Christian inlaws. Something they have never had themselves. I can’t offer that to them.

And there are some areas that I am weak in that marrying someone who grew up in the faith would be strong in. I think it’s very complementary.

[mas cerveza por favor]

2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program.

The wussification of Western men is one of the many unfortunate accomplishments of our deceptive media. Western men have been given the false impression that women who outwardly professes to be feminist or "independent" are really feminist on the inside. In fact, all women instinctually and uncontrollably yearn to submit themselves to a dominant man. Witness the way even the most stone-cold feminists melted before the carousing and physically-abusive Bill Clinton.

People outside the West still know about this universal trait of women just like our great-grandfathers used to know it. Such knowledge is very useful for a man with a wife or girlfriend(s) and for a father seeking to protect his daughter. I am afraid that there is no way to detach your friend from her muslim boyfriend unless she finds another man who is more dominant and masculine than the muslim.

Any woman who has a dominant man will never in her life be happy with another man who is less dominant.

[Vinnie]

I'm willing to bet all that debt is in her name and when they're married,..

And when he goes back to the M.E. guess who the creditors are coming after.

[newzjunkey]

Threatening her life while drunk has nothing to do with his Muslim faith or politics. He’s an abuser and they come in all flavors. She should be getting treatment for her depression which may be linked to this abusive relationship. I’d focus on her health and safety.

[JoeFromSidney]

Ironically, a female Muslim friend of mine married a Muslim man, much older than she, who had pursued her pretty relentlessly. I tried, gently, to talk her out of it, without success. It has turned out to be a disaster. At least I tried.

[LucyT]

"One person cannot save another from themself and trying in this case will only lead to your own grief. It’s the same as women marrying a man and thinking they will ‘fix’ them... Ain’t gonna happen. Cut ties and wish her well because she’s lost to you already."

What Norm said....

[snowstorm12]

show her all the stories of women who married muslim men on the internet. There are plenty. They are very misogonistic and they will not change their attitude just because they live in the usa. The men take off to other countries with the kids. She won’t see the kids again.

Show her the story of the Amina and Sarah honor killings in Texas. Yaser Abdel Said. The whole family helped him out get away and escape justice. This guy was disgusted by America but was lazy and hooked onto an American woman so he can live in the USA and not work and live off the government. He also made creepy videos of his daughters and stalked them.

The kids will be forced to “follow the rules of Islam”. She will have no say. The man is the one in charge, very arrogant and she will learn the hard way.

[snowstorm12]

Islam.......You can check in, but you cant check out.

It doesn’t work like that. The men think they OWN the kids.

Tell her to watch the Amina and Sarah honor killings Dateline special on Youtube. the creepy videos and arrogant controlling behavior and attitude of this man.

[toothfairy86]

My friend married a “not particularly religious” Muslim man a few years ago. He was originally from Morocco, but came to the US when he was 18. When they were first dating, she enjoyed how he persued her, was so “charming” and paid lots of attention to her. She got pregnant before they were married, and he took her to Morocco to meet his parents. All her friends were worried sick when she went. They finally got married, and she bore him 2 sons. After they got married, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. She became a shell of her former self. She filed for divorce when things began to escalate were on the verge of physical violence. They now have joint custody and SHE is paying HIM spousal support!
I hope your friend wakes up and gets out before it’s too late.

[nuconvert]

btw - if he has a passport for another country, that’s probably where he’s going when he gets too deeply in debt and can’t repay loans

[nuconvert]

Sorry - I meant for my last comment to go to Feline_AIDS

[texgal]

I also have a friend who did the same thing - married a muslim. 17 years later she is contemplating divorce. She tells me that there has not been one holiday or family occasion that has not been absolute hell to get through. She rarely sees her family without him making the whole situation miserable. He's easily offended and treats her like she is an imbecile. She is an RN and he has no degree yet he knows everything about every subject. She converted to Islam when they married. I've told her I worried what would happen if she tried to leave him. He controls all their family assets and all property is in his name. While he can be a decent human being from time to time he chooses not to be so most of the time.We all tried to tell her that it would at best be difficult. It's hard to tell her that she made her own bed.