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“Everyone who believes is set free.” Acts 13:39

Bob and Jim are talking, when they notice a rather goofy-looking kid, bouncing down the sidewalk.

Bob says...”that’s Tommy, he’s one of the stupidest kids you’ll ever meet,
here, I’ll show you.”

“Tommy, get on over here,” says a laughing Bob.

As Tommy comes bouncing over, Bob pulls a shiny dime and a rusty quarter out of his pocket.

Bob tells Jim that he and Tommy play this game all the time.

Bob tells Tommy, “Whichever coin you choose you can keep.”

Tommy looked long and hard at the dime, then the quarter, finally choosing the dime.

Bob looks at Jim, and says, “See, I told you that he wasn’t too bright.”

As Bob walks away laughing, Jim asks Tommy why he chose the dime.

Tommy motions Jim closer, then he whispers, “If I choose the quarter, he won’t play anymore!”
*******

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The
woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
*******
Ten Best Things to Say If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. “They told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about at the
Time-Management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool-resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly-specified Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken.....”

2. “Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...”
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK...

1. “.....In Jesus’ name. Amen”.
*******
“Actual Medical Records”

The following are actual medical records taken from patients’ charts around North America:

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.