Wanted: A full-time wiener peeler

I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.

I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.

But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.

“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.

Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.

“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”

A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.

You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”

“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”

Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...

(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)

The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.

I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?

“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”

So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”

The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.

Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.

They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.

The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.

And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.

Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.

“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.

I usually run COSTCO or Chevron, but as an experiment I went and paid $4.099/ gal for a tank of the nitrogen formula gas at Shell.

My next previous fill-up had been at Chevron for $3.949/gal, and last night I took on 14.149gal with 332.6mi on the trip meter.

So, now I can compare actual costs, and whether it’s really better to pay less per gallon. Look at the actual numbers, so far.

Running Shell’s formulation:
The 14.149 gallons burned was composed of...
13.417gal @ $4.099/gal = $55.00 [Shell gas]
0.732 @ $3.949/gal = $2.89 [Chevron gas]

Cost: $57.89
Fuel: 14.149gal
Miles: 332.6mi
mi/$: 5.75
mpg: 23.51

Versus if I had kept running Chevron all along, at then-current $3.999/gallon:
13.417gal @ $3.999/gal = $53.65 [prior Chevron gas]
0.732 @ $3.949/gal = $2.89 [next prior Chevron gas]

Cost: $56.54
Fuel: 14.149gal
Miles: 310.7mi
mi/$: 5.50
mpg: 21.96

Versus the previous performance using Chevron’s formulation:
13.417gal @ $3.949gal = $52.98
(all fuel used was from the next previous fill-up)

Cost: $52.98
Fuel: 13.417gal
Miles: 294.7mi
mi/$: 5.56
mpg: 21.96

Comparing the performance using the Shell fuel with my prior performance running Chevron gas, I see a 7.1% increase in mpg, and a 3.4% increase in actual miles per dollar using the Shell gas.

As a control, comparing the performance using the Shell fuel with my projected performance if I had, instead, filled up at Chevron, again, basis no change in fuel economy, I see just a 1.1% reduction in actual miles per dollar, which jives with the nickle per gallon price increase between those two fill-ups.

The experiment will continue at least through the current tank of fuel to see whether the difference continues to be apparent, but so far, I’m feeling justified buying the more expensive fuel.

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