Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Howdy! It’s been horrible. Just HORRIBLE! Darkness, no laughter, no FRiends, I was wasting away...
Well, you missed the story fragment at #1198.
You may have to wait until your machine is up and running fully.
I got something cool in the mail Saturday with a painting by Frannnnk, and then Monday I got a big surprise in the mail. Should I be looking for something else? (I don’t know if my heart can stand it.)
Freepmail the URL to me so I can read it without searching too far.
Is today Moving Day?
No, that’s it for now, until someone paints another picture.
We just got our second computer back from the shop. I have to sign Pat on now ...
LOL!
Did I miss any news about DP?
OK, kiddies. I’m off for now. Next time you see me, I’ll be home.
:o])
Morning
Groovy... *hugs*
Afternoon here.
DP doesn’t have any job offers yet, but he’s into his third or fourth interview with some of the companies. His Real Suit is getting quite a workout!
He visited his mother in Myrtle Beach on Sunday - Tuesday this week, and he said she’s doing extremely well. She’s recovering (from a broken pelvis) more quickly than anticipated, and she should be back home from the hospital by now. Her employer says she can do light-duty office work until she’s sufficiently recovered to resume work as an assistant to the less-active elderly.
You’re certainly right about the proximity of dining options to the Concord Hilton. Aside from Grissini Trattoria, which is right at the hotel (and gets modest reviews), there’s Claim Jumper, Red Lobster, The Elephant Bar, Marie Callender’s, J.J. North’s, Denny’s, Sizzler, and Fuddrucker’s — all within easy walking distance, and those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
BTW, avoid the Grissini on Friday at lunch unless you like your dining location packed wall-to-wall with Rotarians.
Even though I work in Concord, I’m planning to boycott businesses therein as much as possible, owing to the idiot voters putting in another 1/2% Sales Tax effective tomorrow. Guess the city council needs to keep the locals on Monument Blvd. happy.
There are good hotel alternatives in Pleasant Hill and Walnut Creek and if you have wheels, BART isn’t that important unless you need to get into SF.
UUUnnnnggghhhh!!
What hare-brained ballot measure was that?
Post-election reporting is usually pretty abysmal at noting the outcome of these things; the focus being on elected offices.
Good song, thanks.
After some digging, I found it: Measure Q, won by 54.34% to 45.66% (slightly less than 3,000 votes). Found it in an unused lavatory in the basement of an unused county building with a sign saying "Beware of Bengal Tiger" on the front door.
Other pieces by the same performer are good, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ab4xogLt5xE&feature=related
This is nice. The melodies are mostly derivative of traditional, “Sacred Harp” style tunes. My choir is dedicated to “El Buen Pastor,” Jesus the Good Shepherd, so I always enjoy new songs on that theme.
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