Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Maybe you should try story-boarding them. Render the dialogue, and the discriptions, and when action is suggested, try a sketch or two.
You might be better at that than you think.
Evening, all. Long day. Another tomorrow. Later.
But they could still converse, as well as aggravate and foil plans while feeling a robotic sense of self satisfaction?
What would happen were they to become mobile?
Probably.
I tried sequential art once, wasn’t too pretty.
Bill drew a picture of his eye, having first taken a picture of his eye with his camera.
I’m terrible with sequential art.
I’ve never tried it. I don’t produce much of any kind of art, although I did draw a recognizable aardvark a while back.
I expanded on the slingshot move around the silicon bugs star.
I figured gravity would be pretty rough there, so Sigma is experiencing pure hell in that section of that story.
Sigma is having a hard time ... it’s a good thing you gave him some interesting theme music.
Hello had to drive out of town this morning to the Post Office. 9 inches of snow overnight.
We just have rain. Yesterday was sunny and upper 60s, so the pets got one day with Sunbeam Time and nice walks before Early Spring hit again. We need the rain, or the county will cut everyone’s water usage again. I live in fear of the dreaded Household Water Limit, since my household is more than double the average.
Sounds like you live in California? I guess Nevada is that way also? We depend on the snow during the season for our water.
North Carolina. But I remember rationing in California. “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.”
;)
Unforgettable...
Y'know; I've occasionally read about folks running away to join the circus, but — growing up in California — I somehow never felt the need.
As an adult, I've come to understand why.
We lived in California in 1965-67 and 1970-75. Last time I was there was spring break my junior year of college ... think think ... 1987. My mom and I visited her sister in Orange County.
Anoreth was there last year, though.
The only time I haven’t been in CA was when I was away at college.
Anaheim, 1965 to mid-1979
Clayton, 1979 to 1983
Anaheim, 1984 to 1990
Concord, 1991 to now
9” of new snow? That sucks.
I read about some mountains in CA that have had 61’ of snow so far this year.
Did Fred get to go for a car ride?
OOOOOOhhhh!! PLASMA balls!! ME WANT!
http://blog.makezine.com/archive/2011/03/working-handheld-homemade-pulse-laser-weapon.html
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