Posted on 10/20/2009 5:57:42 PM PDT by Mo1
Doesn't look good.
I thought you had to be some kind of eco-freak to live in Oregon. How is it possible not to be quakers or choppers?
Ahem....horsies kicked butt Thanksgiving day. There’s still hope. :P
For the longest time, I thought the beaves were a baseball team. That’s how closely we follow college sports in my house. :P
Stupid Turglee, easily distracted...
*grumble gripe growl grumble*
Hey Spud, who you calling a Turglee?
Better not be me unless you want me to
add you to my chia pet collection. :)
Boy, that was a heckuva nap you had, Darks!
Turglee the Devourer, a bird of legend.
Comes into your dreams with a warble and a wattle, and eats your sanity.
Why we make snowmen:
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I lay in my bed
Visions of evil danced through my head
Snowmen with teeth filled me with dread
Flying snowmotrike to cart me off -dead.
Enough of the rhymes, I’ll tell it all straight, of the nightmare that night, and my visitor late.
I shivered in bed, with the most singularly disturbing dreams in which a snake charmer voiced Kringle clone visited me with most unpleasant servants in tow.
I shivered, I shrugged, I sighed, I rolled, and couldn’t get the vision to do as it was told.
From outside there was a peculiar sound, a blatting snowmotrike, and horrible gutteral noise.
I clutched my covers, wished it was a dream, then sat bolt upright when my neighbor did scream.
My door it did quiver, then opened with a bash, I fled to the window and wrapped in the sash.
In walked a strange looking creature, scraggly beard, and twirling the collar of a preacher!
(May my neighbor rest in peace..)
He went through my drawers, went through my wardrobe, went through my wallet, and came to the window...
His servants were terrible, they growled and moaned, their teeth clinked and tinkled, and shivered my bones.
I opened my eyes, and saw his smug face, and at me he pointed and pronounced there my fate.
“Eat him, my minions.”
Onward they came, slavering and growling, his voice had paralyzed me, to my family I could give no warning!
I struggled and shook, I let out a squeek, then the first snowman claw brushed against my cheek.
Their teeth were icicles, their eyes black as coal,and with them they stared at my soul.
As my vision filled with this image of dread, I blurted out for my life, and I plead:
“Wait! Spare my life, and I shall tell, of your wonderous flight and your creatures as well. I will spread the word to my neighbors and country, and we shall erect images of your creatures, as token of our previous folly.”
He grinned at me, knowing it to be a plea out of fear, but he considered it and said, “See you.. next year!”
Out my window he somersaulted and landed on his snowmotrike, which instantly blarted, the snowmen disassembled and leaped outside too, but as I sighed, one thing I noted.
For in the morning, as I convinced myself it was a dream, my neighbors house was empty it seemed.
And on my lawn was a singular sight, a snowman holding the preacher’s collar tight...
Uhhh...geez....just bursting with Christmas spirit, aren’t you, Darks!
Note to self: Keep blowtorch close by. :P
Heh heh heh.
“Sleep tight, and don’t let the Abominitious Slavering Snowmen bite.”
This next one was a collaborative work with Face.
Snowball Fight
Deep in the vast, ice-covered darkness of the South Pole dwells a creature as twisted and cold as his icy heart. His flesh eating snowmen wait with icicle fangs dripping in anticipation for the foolhardy human to wander close. A human thigh from KFH… Mmmmm!
Hunger often draws them to fortify themselves with a mixture of desiccated meatloaf and sour eggnog before heading for their snowmotrikes on a Search and Destroy mission for any careless food-thingy to be caught in the open darkness.
As Anti Claus ponders the plight of his starving minions, he tweaks his frozen beard as he decides to arm his Abominitious Slavering Snowmen, or A.S.S.es, and head NORTH to the Tundra! He arms them with the mummified remains of fruitcake which has been re-formed into armor plating and blackjack staves, and yes, even mortar rounds.
Meanwhile, at the North Pole, Kringle has his hands full with preparation for his Long Ride. He’d been hearing rumors of his bottomless evil Doppelganger, Anti Claus, sitting at the bottom of the world. He didn’t really believe them, but still, there was Mrs. Kringle to consider.
Suddenly, Rudolph bounded into the large gingerbread barn and nudged Kringle towards North Pole HQ. It was only then that he understood the noises at the edges of his hearing ~~ the screams, the tinkling of ice shattering, the sloppy slavering and the grunts and groans ~~ it could mean only one thing: The Abominitious Slavering Snowmen and Anti Claus were HERE! NOW!
Suddenly, all became silent and still. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
A shadow loomed in the lantern light. A melodious voice breathed, “Kringle! I’ve come to share the Holiday Spirits with you and Mrs. Kringle. Won’t you join me in my snowmotrike?”
Kringle was mesmerized by the silken voice, even though he kept seeing red alarms flashing a warning at him. He was unable to move as he watched in horror while his elves began to crumble into kibble under the onslaught of the A.S.S.es.
Using Uber-Santa strength, Kringle, realizing he was lying in a quickly-freezing puddle on the icy floor, and that his minutes were numbered, tried to rouse himself. But he was comfy, and the noise had receded as he drowsed… suddenly, he heard stamping and clawing of lots of tiny hooves, and he knew he must get up to fight.
Abruptly, he was jolted into awareness by a red-hot poker in his ribs, accompanied by snorts, grunts and other bodily emissions. Opening his eyes, he saw Rudolph, jabbing his nose into Kringle’s side, trying to get him up and fighting.
Elf crumbs and icicle pieces were scattered across the floor as Kringle grabbed Rudy around the neck and told him to back up and pull Kringle to his feet. Once upright, he clutched madly at Rudy, putting him in a choke hold under his arm like a rifle.
Together, they leapt over the bales of hay in the gingerbread barn, with Kringle bellowing reindeer obscenities at the snowy, shuffling ice heaps that had so decimated his forces.
With a tight-fisted squeeze, Kringle put his finger to the side of Rudy’s nose and a glaring red laser beam lanced through the closest icicle-toothed horror that growled for flesh, even as it melted.
Moaning and growling, gargling and snuffling, the A.S.S.es lurched and slid towards Kringle and his wriggling weapon. “Let go of me, you ham-handed fr-EEEK!!!” Rudy lased down and slagged several more death-fanged grotesqueries as they rounded the corner, elf bits and crumbs being wielded as clubs.
Rudy and Kringle kept up a brutal barrage and finally made their ways to the North Pole HQ building, leaving a wake of corn cob pipes, button noses, elf crumbs and wriggling puddles of fruitloaf and meatnog throbbing their lives out in front of God and everybody.
Kringle used Rudy as a battering ram and burst through the front door. Mrs. Kringle was on the floor clutching her downy comforter tightly to her chest and chuckling nervously, “He’s not here; he left.”
Kringle merely elbowed the door hard and squished Anti Claus behind it, where he dropped his suit and grabbed his nose.
Upon seeing the insanely glowing nose of the much-abused Rudolph, Anti Claus bailed through the window, somehow getting his boots and most of his other accoutrements back on as he fell. Jumping on his flying snowmotrike, he blatted off into the night, trailing his icy hordes behind him in defeat.
Mrs. Kringle waved her handkerchief goodbye and sniffled. “Don’t forget to write,” she whispered.
“What was that?!” Kringle demanded.
“Nothing, Dear. Oh, look! He left part of his suit,” she smiled, fondling the scratchy, matted fake fur.
It was only in later years, as her icy grandchildren were once again gathered ‘round her knees to hear of “The Battle of the A.S.S.es” or “How Anti Claus Lost His Suit,” which seemed to get longer and better in the telling. It was revealed that she had been ransacked that night, and though it was difficult to relate, causing her to growl like a cougar at inappropriate places, she managed to get through it with a smile and a few tears.
And every year on the anniversary, another suit would turn up. That first year, it was Rudolph’s turn to sue - for encroachment upon his dignity. But he won that suit by a nose.
Jeeze, Darks. I can’t recall which parts were written by whom! We’re GOOD!!
Well, I can post our first draft where it becomes more obvious.
I still have those kibble-ized bits in the saved RTF file.
Or at least I have my half of it as we were setting up framework on it.
Here’s the kibbles and bits version with the assorted starting pieces the I have.
Abominitious, yes.
(I know.. not a real word.)
I’m surprised that kids don’t know about Anti-Claus.
Their eyes bug out when I tell them about.. it.
Then they run screaming about the time I get to the part where Kringle had his hands full repelling the invasion, and half his elf army became snowman kibble.
I thought everyone knew how Anti-Claus, in his bottomless evil, duped Kringle into believing his gesture of “Holiday Spirit” was a genuine outpouring of Yuletide cheer, gained entry into the very halls of the North Pole, ransacked Mrs. Claus (that we shall not speak of, she still growls like a cougar when it is mentioned) and proceeded to force Kringle to hide in the reindeer stables for a whole unbathed week before using Rudolph’s mutant glowing nose to drive off the ice born fiends.
As best as anyone can recall, and memory of those long years is faded and hazy at best due to spiked egg nog, it all began over meatloaf and fruitcake.
Back then, fruitcake wasn’t as dessicated, nor as mummified as it is now.
Legend has it that at the great split, fruitcake became despondent and thus ended up in it’s current sad state, edging into a second life as armor plating and blackjack staves.
Meatloaf was more... loafy.
..clutching the mightily struggling Rudolph under his arm in rifle fashion, Kringle lept over the bales of hay while bellowing barbarically at the snowy abominations that had so decimated his forces.
An iron fisted squeeze, and Rudolph’s nose shot forth a glaring red beam that lanced through the closest icicle toothed horror that growled for flesh even as it melted!
Moaning, growling, and gargling, the abominable snowmen lurched and slid towards Kringle and his misappropriated wriggling weapon.
“Let go of me you bathless ham handed fre-EEEK!” Rudolph lazed down and slagged several more death fanged grotesqueries as they rounded the corner, elf bits in hand as clubs.
Reaching the main compound and leaving a wake of corn cob pipe wriggling puddles behind them, Kringle and Rudolph burst through the front door of North Pole HQ.
Mrs Claus clutched her comforter tightly and chuckled nervously.
“He’s not here, he left.”
Kringle merely elbowed the door hard, and squished Anti-Claus behind it.
Anti dropped his boots and grabbed his nose.
Upon seeing the insanely glowing nose of the much abused Rudolph, Anti-Claus bailed through the window, somehow getting his boots and other accoutrements back on as he fell.
Jumping on his magic flying Polaris snowmotrike, he blatted off into the night, trailing his icy hordes behind him in defeat.
Mrs Claus waved her handkerchief goodbye and sniffled.
“Don’t forget to write!” she said.
“What was that?!” Kringle demanded.
“Nothing dear.” she said.
The battle was over, after a schlocky fashion, Kringle had won, Anti-Claus was defeated, for now.
ROFL! That was so awesome, Darks!
If it weren’t so dang funny, I’d be worried about you. :)
Fruitloaf and meatnog...gotta git me summa dat! Yum! :P
I didn’t make a hard copy of mine, so when my computer crashed last year, I lost it. *sigh*
That was co-written and co-demented by Face.
So in that bit of literary madness sits the combined force of the madness of TWO minds.
Grab it as I have it here.
Which is mad and which is madder?
Can’t tell from this story.
Well, it kinda is blended.
:oþ
FOFLOL Sometimes a joke just writes itself!
Sooooo, now, on Jan 1, its the SEC's Bengal Tigers vs the Big Ten's Nittany Lions in... ORLANDEAUX... :)
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