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You Are 82% American |
 You're as American as red meat and shooting ranges. |
A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again.
“Well, no.” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest.
“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked the impatient Priest.
“No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, “You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?”
The poll seems to have stopped working for me. I get page not found when I submit my answers.
LOL!
As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2010.
Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP).
Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate.
If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The Corps takes pride in the amount of SHIT our Marines receive. We have given our people more SHIT than any other service.
If any Marine feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
I'm in need of new silly pictures.....
The world’s largest container ship is over 1100 feet in length; it’s an economic warship.
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession, when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore." If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice. I'm just doing a public service.
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the Military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of “Basic Training” (snicker here) I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boysitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger.
I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So Help Me God ...
____________________ ____________________
Signature Date
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment.
I will take all the credit that the Marines did and brag about the so-called training we do when deep down we know that it is really a joke.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual ... er ... I mean “Basic Training” I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.
I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to “COMPANY.”
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school.
I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam.
So Help Me God ...
____________________ __________________
Signature Date
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate,” because I didn’t want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought “Hey, I like to swim ... why not”
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like “deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head” when I really mean “floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet.”
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year.
I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound “colleagues.”
So Help Me Neptune ...
_______________________ _______________________
Signature Date
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear ... uhhhh ... high-and-tight ... grunt ... cammies ... M16 ... ugh ... Air Force ... and women ... OOORAH ...
So Help Me CORPS ...
_____________________ _________________
Thumb Print and X Date
_____________________ _________________ Witness
Signature Date
