Posted on 05/22/2009 5:51:14 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
It’s just the American one?
It’s all Obama’s fault.
Ah...I wonder if it’s because I’m using Firefox?
Whew, I was feeling really challenged today. I’m glad I’m not the only one that was already seeing the full address.
As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2010.
Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP).
Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate.
If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The Corps takes pride in the amount of SHIT our Marines receive. We have given our people more SHIT than any other service.
If any Marine feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
I’m toilet paper. Figures!
| You Are Conditioner |
 You can have a neutralizing effect. You can deal with chaos well. You are encouraging and supportive. You have a gentle touch. You are generous and bighearted. You have a lot to give. |
Whadoyamean I'm a douche?!?
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!”
The German doctor stood up and said, “Well, medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”
The Russian doctor got up and said, “My country is even more advanced. We can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another, and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!”
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference. “Well,” he said “my country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an ass out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in just 24 hours!”
I'm in need of new silly pictures.....
The world’s largest container ship is over 1100 feet in length; it’s an economic warship.
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession, when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore." If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice. I'm just doing a public service.
If allergies have you down, just take a bottle of ex-lax.
It won’t fight your allergies but you’ll be too afraid to sneeze.
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