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Ode to the New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared -
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt;
I said to myself, as I only can,
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip;
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick;
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie -
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot...
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!