Posted on 11/05/2008 7:32:29 PM PST by According2RecentPollsAirIsGood
First of all, please forgive yet another vanity in a time when there isn't a bonfire big enough to consume all the ones so far.
I consider the people here on FreeRepublic to be some of the most intelligent and also just downright decent people I know. Thus I feel I can trust your thoughtful opinions on most things. I'm still kind of young (24), and there's a lot I don't know about life. Right now, I need some relationship advice.
I have a girlfriend right now who I deeply love. We met online through another message board, and have known each other for several years as friends. A little less than a year ago, I met her for the first time in person (she lives in upstate NY, I'm in Texas) as a friend, we kind of hit it off after that, met up again later in June, and became an official couple. Things have been going extremely well so far, we see each other a lot, and we both very much love each other. I've even thought about asking her to marry me someday assuming everything continues to go well and any major hiccups are resolvable.
One of the reasons I think we've done so well so far are that we early on (before we started dating) found out that we agreed on a lot of major things that are important to a relationship. First of all, she is believing, church-going Christian (Methodist) as am I (Lutheran). I've dated non-believers before and the relationship has worked out very badly both times, thus, faith has become a very important quality to me. We also agree on abstinence until marriage, an extremely rare quality amongst young people nowadays, and that has put both her and my mind at much greater ease as we go along.
In addition, we get along very well together and have quite a few similar interests. We both have the open mind, resourcefulness, and will to make a long distance relationship work for now until we can get closer to each other. And her parents adore me. They're dairy farmers and as such are down-to-earth, genuine people, and they've instilled that in her as well. I've never had so many things going right with someone before.
Ok, sorry for all the lengthy background. The following is why I'm writing this. In obvious contrast to me, my girlfriend is adamantly anti-political. She thinks politics is depressing, she doesn't care for anyone on either side, and she avoids discussing it like the plague. Honestly, I thought I could deal with that. It is depressing, after all, and almost nobody on either side is worth a damn. A while back she let slip that she was undecided who to vote for in this election. Since then I've sporadically tried to point out the reasons to not vote for Obama, even if McCain does suck. I've tried to relay how his policies are going to personally affect both my family and hers. I even suggested that if she just didn't care, she probably shouldn't vote. I became extremely worried as election day approached.
Well, I called her yesterday, and she told me that she did indeed vote. So I asked her for whom because I'd been really wanting to know. She wouldn't tell me. I told her it was important to me, but she still refused. I think it's fairly obvious what that means.
Personally, I'm devastated by this election. I feel like I don't live in the same country anymore. I see a bleak future for anyone who wants to be successful. She, on the other hand, isn't really bothered. She didn't think her vote mattered anyways (it didn't, NY). As she's told me, she just doesn't consider politics an important part of her life and thinks everything's crappy and depressing regardless of who's in power.
She has utter apathy towards it all, and I think yesterday her vote was one of sheer ignorance. You know people like that. They don't realize that the few things they do hear in the news are abject lies. They may be decent people who, if they actually knew a tenth of what someone stood for, would not even consider voting for them. I mean, from what I've mentioned above, I think most of her core values are fairly conservative even if she may not make that connection. I think she's just naive and probably got duped. Her intractability on talking about these things, though, is probably going to make it hard for me to make headway.
So I'm very confused what to think. I was praying really hard she'd vote the right way, and I now I feel sick to my stomach. I love her greatly, and I worry that as I see the awful things planned for this country become reality that I'm going unwillingly connect her with them. I'm trying to chalk it up to apathetic ignorance on her part (which I think it is), but I don't know if that will always keep me placated.
I also will admit that I really don't want to have to face everything alone if it's going to eventually be as bad as we think it is.
Geez, I'm sorry for the long post. I've just been really worked up.
So I'm just asking for some help in figuring things out. I would appreciate if people would refrain from throwaway responses like "just get rid of her" or "get over it" or "suck it up." If anyone is married to someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as they do, I'd be interested in how you make things work. Or if you know people like my girlfriend and have advice on how to gently educate her more about our side. Or if you think I don't need to make a big deal of it, let me know. And if so, what are some ways to cope with it or ignore it or keep it from festering in my mind or what? Or just anything you have to say. I love her, and even after hearing my full out despondency last night, she still says she loves me. I need to sort myself out.
I feel sorry for her, frankly, if you'd kick her to the curb because she voted in a way she disagreed with.
According, I’ll share some thoughts with you. I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 30 years and we’ve been through many relationship challenges.
My first thought: It’s hard to reconcile a real Christian walk with voting Democratic in this day and age, plain and simple, and this is an issue I believe should be resolved completely before marriage. If you two talk about your Christian faith—I think all couples should!—what does she say about reconciling her faith with such vehemently anti-Christian politics? That said, it’s true enough that you’d probably have a hard time finding more than a handful of politicians who truly walk the Christian walk. In light of this, I think we must vote for those who at least share principles that are COMPATIBLE with Christianity. Liberalism is not.
If you can get past the above, I STRONGLY urge the two of you to complete a survey that identifies your primary spiritual gift. This is something my wife and I have done recently, and I cannot tell you what a huge difference it has made in really understanding each other, even after so many years of marriage. I’m a Prophet and she’s a Mercy. As a Christian psychologist said, if a non-Mercy has ten emotional antennae, a Mercy (especially a Mercy woman) has ten THOUSAND emotional antennae, BY GOD’S DESIGN. I share this because while my wife does keep up on current events via me, she too is unable to watch politics on a regular basis. A Mercy just feels things with infinitely more intensity than you or I, and the pain of watching our country decline into full Godlessness is too intense for her. Your girlfriend could be a Mercy, and I urge you to find out. Once you find out what your partner is, you can spend a half-hour reading and have SO much more understanding about how they perceive things, why they do or don’t do certain things, etc. You can also learn a lot about compatibility between the different types. (For example, Mercy women are attracted to Prophet men, and according to a very experienced Christian counselor I talked to, fully 60% of his practice is dealing with this combination.)
I urge you to research these issues, and I applaud you for trying to figure out these things NOW instead of after you’re married.
MM
We're devastated too. I wish someone would pinch me and tell me this is a nasty joke. Our emotions are running high.
My best advice to you is to cool off a bit.
Have a “come to Jesus” chat with her and really understand what HER values and beliefs are. If they are NOT compatible to your, geesh - move on! If you are not as compatible as you would like to believe - don't pursue her. Marriage isn't always easy. The honeymoon wears off quickly. Proceed with caution and make sure you know HER.
If she doesn't want to tell you WHO she voted for it most likely was the Obomination and she doesn't want to tell you that. I have no doubt she knows who YOU voted for.
What will her Masters be in?
I’ll FReep you tomorrow afternoon.
It’s an understandable post. My daughter’s going through the sane thing.
She is a liberal......
Get rid of the bitch .
What are you waiting for?
Are you just going to sit back and wonder if she really changed? Good god.....there are a million hot chicks who are conservative and have the same qualities this aimless babe has......stop thinking with your dick...you are not in love.
I don’t really think she leans to the left. I think she doesn’t realize she has quite a few conservative beliefs. You may be right. It may be best to introduce her to things very slowly using her experiences. Her dad beat prostate cancer recently. I probably need to hammer home that if we had nationalized health care already, he may not have been able to get the care he needed.
Thanks for your story; it helps to provide perspective.
You do know, I am sure, that no two individuals in this entire world agree 100% on every single thing in life.
If I were dating (and even in love with) a man who demanded to know who I voted for, and pushed politics (or religion) on me, I would (sadly) have to leave him.
If a man didn’t respect my right to my own opinion, and went to lengths demanding that my thoughts would mirror his, I could not stay with him for one minute (even if I were madly in love with him.)
IMHO, a lasting relationship begins with respect. No relationship will last, if one tries to control the thoughts and actions of the other.
Good luck, guy. (I think there is some maturing in order, before marriage is even remotely considered.)
If she’s three years older than you and a grad student, she’s got a real opinion about politics.
That she doesn’t tell you is probably because she doesn’t want to lose you until someone else better comes along, coupled with that fact that she doesn’t want to hurt you, being rather younger than she is.
something else to think about...if your lady friend was raised like i was, it was considered rude to ask someone how they voted, and it was something no one was expected to answer. :) the thing is, it sounds like you make a good couple, you don't have to enjoy or agree on everything. i am sure she won't keep you from keeping up with the news and reading FR right? so i sort of see it as not a big deal. i don't force my hubby to read FR, he doesn't force me to mess with greasy things under the hood of the car. marriage made in heaven. lol
You have gotten some good nuggets of advice here and I’ll put my 2 cents in. My husband and I met online and I think it is an interesting and challenging way to get involved, and if you make it to the point you are I think you have a good future. Remember that a couple does best with mutual respect and that people do tend to “rub off” on one another. I think it would be more persuasive and educational to show her how politics relates to your lives and beliefs, not just abstracts, and how for instance involvement on the local level can accomplish things and not make it seem so distant and out of her hands. Don’t expect big changes overnight, it’s more likely that your enthusiasm, especially if you don’t belittle her lack of interest, will eventually arouse her curiosity. But if she sees that political outcomes depress you it may only confirm her belief she’s better off not involved.
Also realize that even if people are well suited and in love you may never see eye to eye on some things and that’s where the compromise and mutual respect comes in.
Wait - you're not her husband, and even if you were, you have no right to demand to know how she voted. The whole point of the secret franchise is that no one has the right to know.
She was right to tell you to buzz off.
Believe me Roscoe, women just LOVE the depressed and “I gotta sort myself out” types. You know the type, one day their friend says they can’t go out and the guy is holding hostages type. Really makes’em anxious to be around you too. woo hoo!
Oh, I almost forgot, women really love having to coddle a “I’m so worked up” sensitive guy! I don’t even know you and I know I don’t want to be around you!
But just so you don’t think we’ve nothing worthwhile to offer, try going back home and becoming an adult.
“I also will admit that I really don’t want to have to face everything alone if it’s going to eventually be as bad as we think it is.”
You won’t have to. The orderlies WILL understand, they really will!
If you are really sure that HER parents love you...You are are lucky enough to find your perfect match!,Really!
Her parents still have way more sway over her beliefs than any outsiders including you. She wants you to LOVE her for her, not outside influences like supposed beliefs!
You are being tested! Love her!
Well, ignore it, then. I suppose it does sound stupid to others now that I stand further back. I thought people here might be a little forgiving about that. Reading through so far, I guess was wrong.
I think I’ll just retire for the night.
Still say — just give it time.
But one thing that concerns me is not just that she voted for Obama, after being so “apolitical” but that she refused to tell you.
If when the chips are down, instead of discussing it, she keeps things from you, that is not a good sign.
What else would she hide from you, if she knows it would upset you knowing it?
This single instance is not definitive, but you need to get to know her better, to know how does she reacts in tough situation, and if this is an indication of her keeping things from you, that is definitely not a good sign.
My bottom line advice is still the same — give it time, don’t make final decisions in your current emotional state.
No. You need to focus on ***her** - not political arguments.
The question is whether you have compatible values. Politics and values only partially overlap.
Frankly, you'd better hope she and her parents never see this thread.
My folks always said when you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Alot of times our decisions are made for us in a couple of days, weeks months, years. Just take it slow and further get to know her.
People mature at different rates.
sl-oooo-w.
I think I’d prefer to just stay away from politics with her except rarely. I’d probably care way too much about it in the first place for my own sanity. Backing off and focusing on other things may help lift my spirits, and four years till the next pres election is a good while to try to subtly influence her.
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