THE MONKEY AND THE PIG
Three agricultural scientists were determined to discover how much a pig could eat before it just had to take a crap. To this end they procured a Yorkshire sow and pushed a large cork into her arse.
After six weeks of force feeding, the sow was the size of the Goodyear airship and threatening to burst. Being humane types, the scientists agreed that the cork must now be removed.
No-one wished to volunteer for the job, however, so in true scientific tradition, they decided to train a monkey for the task and swiftly put a small gibbon through a crash course in cork-pulling.
The day came and the pig was air-lifted out to the desert for safety's sake. Special equipment was set up to monitor the event. Picture the scene: In the middle of the desert, the pig. Behind the pig, the monkey. One mile behind him, the first scientists with a video camera. One mile behind that scientist are the other two scientists with a seismometer. Finally, the monkey reaches up and pulls out the cork. SPLAT!
When the massive geyser has subsided, the two scientists find themselves knee-deep in pig manure. Grabbing shovels they wade forward and dig out the first man who has been buried up to his neck. When they free him they find that he is laughing hysterically.
"What's so funny?" they ask.
"You should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in!"
Ronald Reagan used to tell a story about two brothers, one who was hopelessly pessimistic, the other persistently optimistic. Because they were at extreme ends, the father locked each into a room by himself. The pessimistic boy was locked in a room filled with every toy imaginable, and the optimistic boy was locked in a room filled with horse sh!t. The father decided that this might bring the pessimistic boy up a few pegs, and the optimistic boy down a few.
The next day, he checked on his two sons. In the room full of toys, the father found his pessimistic son crying. When he asked what was wrong, the boy said he was afraid to play with his toys because he might break them. When he checked in on the optimist, he found the boy gleefully digging through the piles of sh!t, as if it were Christmas morning.
“WHAT are you doing?” the father asked with horror.
The son looked at him full of joy and said, “With all this horsesh!t in here, there’s GOT to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Now that’s funny right there. I don’t care who you are.