More breaking news from Tass news wire report that now Russia Georgia now want ceasfire because of latest Russia smackdown at airport late last night
Also don’t read this if you don’t want to know
ESPN reporting US men basketball team beat China team led by Yano Ming 101 to 92 last night
Condensed Versions of Movies
Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975
Roy Scheider There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.
Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.
(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark dies) THE END
Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000
Julia Roberts I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.
Albert Finney Ok. Julia Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.) THE END
Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven Spielberg 1977
(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.) All Wow!
THE END
Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999 Hugh Grant
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm in love with you.
Julia Roberts I'll date you, no I won't, yes I will, no I won't. I'm sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I've gotten over them.
THE END
Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992
Michael Madsen Who's the rat? (shoots a cop) Harvey Keitel I didn't do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don't look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.) THE END
Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997
Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go) THE END
Lady Jag's Personal Horrorscope
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It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.
Hide.
Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. |