Posted on 01/12/2007 2:48:36 AM PST by sully777
10 worst excuses to miss work
1) As I was walking to work… I was hit by a plane/helicopter.
This sounds so weirdly stupid that it might leave your boss completely speechless. The secret is to sound pretty dramatic or hurt and hang up the phone immediately, though. He/she’ll probably be too astonished to call you back and will just drop it, hoping you will come to work a normal person the next day.
2) I died
If you say this in a very natural voice, something like: ”Hey, I can’t come in today, I died, sorry guys”, I guess your boss will be shocked for at least a little bit, but you should hang up until he’ll start yelling something about bad jokes, then make a friend call and announce with grief the same thing, and explain you killed yourself and left a tape with a message for the company, the message said: ”Hey guys, I died”. The next day you come in you’ll say it was a misunderstanding.
3) My wife will finally have sex with me… and it’s been 7 years.
Everybody will be so embarrassed, for your embarrassment, I don’t think they’ll be able to say much, they’ll feel too sorry for you to be angry, or anything else.
4) My cat had Siamese triplets.
Cats having many kittens is an usual thing, and Siamese are only twins, but it might sound weird enough to convince, at least temporarily.
5) I am having a middle-age crisis… it’s so painful.
You have to make it sound like it’s a horrible disease, very painful, acute, like a kidney crisis or something, and it’s important to talk over your boss and never answer any of his questions, keep rambling chaotically about your suffering.
6) My mom had a baby…She is 55 and it’s been tough, although she’s in pretty good shape.
This will hopefully sound weird enough to make everybody silent. I mean who the hell has a baby at 55? They’ll probably wonder about that, distracted from your missing work for a while.
7) I am running out of time… my time is over.
This is taken from various writings and from a popular series “South Park”, which I highly recommend for the days when you’ll manage to miss work using these excuses. Will it sound too strange for your boss? Maybe, but if you make it tragic enough, he might think you’ve lost it completely and just wait to talk to you the next day.
8)Kenny died.
This is another character from South Park, he dies every episode and so you won’t lie about something as serious as death, plus you don’t have to explain who he is, because if you say a name full of confidence and in a familiar way, nobody asks questions, especially if it’s about death.
9) I witnessed a pocket robbery and I’m going in to testify.
It’s very stupid to testify for a pocket robbery, but if you’re talking about the police, testimonials and so on, nobody will be very interested to find out more, probably.
10) I ran out of clean underwear.
This is again so embarrassing that nobody will probably care to comment upon it. I mean what could they say: ”I’ll lend you some of mine” or “Just come without, what’s the big deal”? I mean it’s just another subject people don’t really care to comment upon. You can also add: ”I’m doing some serious washing and promise I’ll have clean underwear for a month, and of course change it every day.”
(Source http://news.softpedia.com/news/10-worst-excuses-to-miss-work-21906.shtml) By Ana Constantinescu
that quote in that toon would be a great tagline.
I am sick.
lol - you're right, it would. :o)
1. Find a quiet place to make the phone call.
2. Call your boss.
3. Keep the excuse short and to the point.
4. Cough a few times if necessary, or speak in a raspy voice for added effect.
5. Get off the phone as quickly as possible.
Tips
A good tactic is to stay short and concise, and then put in just one extra detail. Example: "I'm really sick. It started last night and I've been throwing up ever since." Don't get too detailed. For example, don't say "I'm really sick. It started at 12:37 and I've been throwing up ever since."
If you can, call your boss's voice mail or send him an e-mail rather than speaking with him or her directly. This avoids the possibility of questions and awkward advice that often trips up the caller. Also, be sure to know the voicemail system prompts. There isn't always an option to erase and re-record your message if you mess up.
If you do speak to someone in person, provide details. Avoid a comprehensive diagnosis like "I've got the flu". If you describe symptoms such as congestion, coughing, fever, etc., the person is more likely to believe you. They'll probably also decide to get off the phone as soon as possible.
A good modern way is to pre-write an SMS (text message) the night before. You can then wake up in the morning, send the SMS, then go straight back to sleep! This looks like you've made the effort to get up early (or been up all night vomiting!) and reduces the amount of "up time" if you're after a good sleep in!
Make the phone call early in the morning if possible, when your voice is still rough with sleep. This will give you some added credibility.
For an added effect, bend over your toilet while pressing your forearm into your stomach so you begin to sound like your stomach is really being affected by whatever you are calling about. (Usually this would make you sound like you just finished vomiting.)
If your "affliction" is embarrassing, your boss is more likely to want to hang up the phone and let you get on with it - diarrhea is the classic example of this.
Another added effect is to take in a bit of water through your nose. Put your nose under a running faucet and take a shallow breath through your nose. It's uncomfortable for a short period but effectively gives you the sniffles for 2-3 minutes. This is long enough for you to make a convincing call to your boss and then proceed with your day off. For a less uncomfortable version, pop a piece of cotton wool up one nostril to sound bunged up.
It's a good idea to mention in passing how you are feeling a little sick the day before and feeling better when you return to work.
If you go to the beach on your day off, don't forget the sunscreen. Showing up to work the next day looking like a lobster can be embarrassing, not to mention incriminating.
Keep an eye out for other people who have been sick at work and use the 'I must have gotten it from Jim in Accounting.' excuse.
If you want to get multiple days off, pick a good illness: a migraine or a bad case of gastro can get you off for two or more days, as they can carry on for a long time and pop up at any time. Research the illness if you're very dedicated to avoiding work. Ask friends for the symptoms of the bad (real) illnesses they've had over time.
Do not "schedule" a sick day in advance. If your boss finds out that you let people know two weeks ago that you were going to be sick today, you could lose your job.
Lie in bed on your back with your head over the side. Let the blood rush to your head. After a few minutes, this position makes you sound very stuffy and just not yourself.
Go to work when you're really sick, so your boss will not think you're faking when you decided to play sick to get out of working.
Good Examples
"Morning. I'm not going to be in today. I was up all last night sick. My stomach feels terrible."
"I won't be in today, I am not feeling well."
"I've spent the last 24 hours either in bed or in the bathroom. I don't think I should go to work today."
Warnings
It's important that your boss thinks you are sick in your bed. Blaring music or a loud TV can destroy that image as thoroughly as thousands of screaming fans at a football game. If you're outside the house, calling from your car might be the quietest place you can manage. Make sure the engine and AC is off
Long rambling messages are to be avoided. When lying, you are tempted to embellish. Don't. When calling in sick, less is more. The old standbys of headaches/migraines, stomach issues/flu, cold, all work because we've all been through them.
Be sure not to over do the sick sounds when you leave a message. Managers often forward the most ridiculous-sounding messages and you can become quite infamous among the management team.
Be careful when using the cold as a sickness because you don't want to show up to work the next day all clear. The cold is best used when you actually have one, but its just not bad enough to warrant staying home and you want to anyway. That way when you arrive the next day you still have some signs of it.
Calling in sick without being sick is best done for one day (or possibly two days in a row). Longer than that may require a note from your doctor.
Don't come back to work the next day with a suntan, pictures, stories, etc. If you share what you have done with your co-workers, they may turn on you and tell your boss. Worse, they may steal all of your good excuses.
Do not use an excuse about someone in your family dying because the boss can find out for sure and you will be caught in a lie. This will make you less credible to your boss when someone really does die.
Try not to call in "sick" on too many Mondays or Fridays - extended weekends tend to stick out in the minds of bosses and co-workers. Calling out on the occasional Tuesday is more credible. Also, do not make a habit of taking leave on important days like day the team needs to work extra time to meet the deadline. This will make yourself less credible among the team and boss.
Some phones allow you the option to "send text message later"; note that this option doesn't always work! Don't rely on it.
When you first come back, move slowly, rub your eyes and be a little rumpled. This will reinforce the idea that you are a trooper - working when you feel bad, rather than a slacker.
The CT band at A&M did that??????That seems more like what the Rice boys would pull!
Hey sully Please add me to your rollcall
"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' "
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out."
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back."
-- Jay Leno
"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other."
-- Craig Kilborn
"Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.' "
-- Craig Kilborn
"Bob Dole and Bill Clinton did a point/counterpoint segment on '60 Minutes' and both of them brought their own sponsors. Bob Dole of course had Viagra and Clinton had Dupont Stain Master Carpets."
-- Jay Leno
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote
To which preacher did Bill go for advice?
Oral Roberts
"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."
-- David Letterman
"Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office."
-- David Letterman
"No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room."
-- David Letterman
"Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark."
-- Craig Kilborn
What is Bill Clinton's favorite federal program?
Head Start
Just call your boss and tell 'em you have a case of explosive watery Pelosi. They'll want you to stay home.
Never!!!!!
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