Posted on 01/12/2007 2:48:36 AM PST by sully777
10 worst excuses to miss work
1) As I was walking to work… I was hit by a plane/helicopter.
This sounds so weirdly stupid that it might leave your boss completely speechless. The secret is to sound pretty dramatic or hurt and hang up the phone immediately, though. He/she’ll probably be too astonished to call you back and will just drop it, hoping you will come to work a normal person the next day.
2) I died
If you say this in a very natural voice, something like: ”Hey, I can’t come in today, I died, sorry guys”, I guess your boss will be shocked for at least a little bit, but you should hang up until he’ll start yelling something about bad jokes, then make a friend call and announce with grief the same thing, and explain you killed yourself and left a tape with a message for the company, the message said: ”Hey guys, I died”. The next day you come in you’ll say it was a misunderstanding.
3) My wife will finally have sex with me… and it’s been 7 years.
Everybody will be so embarrassed, for your embarrassment, I don’t think they’ll be able to say much, they’ll feel too sorry for you to be angry, or anything else.
4) My cat had Siamese triplets.
Cats having many kittens is an usual thing, and Siamese are only twins, but it might sound weird enough to convince, at least temporarily.
5) I am having a middle-age crisis… it’s so painful.
You have to make it sound like it’s a horrible disease, very painful, acute, like a kidney crisis or something, and it’s important to talk over your boss and never answer any of his questions, keep rambling chaotically about your suffering.
6) My mom had a baby…She is 55 and it’s been tough, although she’s in pretty good shape.
This will hopefully sound weird enough to make everybody silent. I mean who the hell has a baby at 55? They’ll probably wonder about that, distracted from your missing work for a while.
7) I am running out of time… my time is over.
This is taken from various writings and from a popular series “South Park”, which I highly recommend for the days when you’ll manage to miss work using these excuses. Will it sound too strange for your boss? Maybe, but if you make it tragic enough, he might think you’ve lost it completely and just wait to talk to you the next day.
8)Kenny died.
This is another character from South Park, he dies every episode and so you won’t lie about something as serious as death, plus you don’t have to explain who he is, because if you say a name full of confidence and in a familiar way, nobody asks questions, especially if it’s about death.
9) I witnessed a pocket robbery and I’m going in to testify.
It’s very stupid to testify for a pocket robbery, but if you’re talking about the police, testimonials and so on, nobody will be very interested to find out more, probably.
10) I ran out of clean underwear.
This is again so embarrassing that nobody will probably care to comment upon it. I mean what could they say: ”I’ll lend you some of mine” or “Just come without, what’s the big deal”? I mean it’s just another subject people don’t really care to comment upon. You can also add: ”I’m doing some serious washing and promise I’ll have clean underwear for a month, and of course change it every day.”
(Source http://news.softpedia.com/news/10-worst-excuses-to-miss-work-21906.shtml) By Ana Constantinescu
Going to lunch. Be back in a few minutes.
MANNY AND HIS MOM
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
I'm in the Houston area and the temp outside at lunch was 76. It's too nice a day to be stuck inside working.
I'm in Norfolk, VA. Upper 60's light wind, and the fish are biting. Also not a day for work.
2:30. Only one more hour to go!!!!! It'll feel like three hours.
that would be a good alarm-clock ringer! lol
I always liked that song.
Accourse I am rarely sick and don't abuse the privilege.
My thing is the coworkers, especially women, who say they don't wanna take a dump in the restroom at the office. Hey, what better time?
Don't dump on *your* time; don't work on *their* time! ;o)
Apple's next breakthrough.
Hell yes I do! Great stuff.
I sent this to my employer the other day and asked how soon before the raise hike came into effect. I'm still waiting for an answer.
GOP Bill Hikes Minimum Wage to $84.25/hr.
www.scrappleface.com/ ^ | January 10, 2007 | by Scott Ott
(2007-01-10) — Republicans in Congress, in a last ditch effort to provide economic justice to America’s working poor, today introduced a bill that would raise the national minimum hourly wage from $5.15 to $84.25.
The bill, offered just hours before the Democrat-led House attempted to raise the rate to $7.25, is roughly based on the what Congressmen earn for working 40 hours per week for 50 weeks per year, although the actual working part is optional in Congress.
Under the terms of the GOP-sponsored measure, the minimum wage would also track Congressional pay, which typically includes an annual cost-of-living-it-up increase.
“Hiking it to $7.25 won’t make a dent,” said one unnamed Republican House member, “But at $84.25, we’ll eliminate poverty.”
Lawmakers believe the bill is a win-win, since every other working person in the country will now expect a pay raise to keep his wages an appropriate distance above minimum.
Republicans said the new minimum wage would also produce a windfall of tax revenue as millions of Americans move from paying no federal income tax, straight to the highest tax bracket.
The additional tax money would be earmarked for education, according to the text of the bill, “to teach America’s children the fundamentals of economics in a capitalist system.”
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