Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.
Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.
Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).
Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.
Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.
Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.
Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.
Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.
SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.
Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).
Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.
Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.