Understood. Maybe then, if there really aren't other choices, stop pretending there are, with this 'don't know how long we can...' kind of talk, and focus more on 'how are we going to...'. Put her at ease that she's not going to be shipped off. The advantage I saw in one of those assisted living places was at least she'd feel like she was in a place that was hers, and she wasn't unwelcome. She's been kindof an extended visitor with no ownership of anything... unless my guess on that is off base. Maybe she's still the mom and in charge, but I have a feeling the roles have reversed.
Well, yes and no. The roles have definitely been reversed. Wife calls the shots with regard to Nana. But then, she was always the responsible daughter. Nana was never very independent. Papa did all the business. She never learned to drive, etc.
I've yet to say anything directly to her. And wife's conversation with her directly has been based on "I need to be able to count on you for this," in the hopes that she would rise to the occasion. And she ~usually~ has.
As for ownership, she's referred to it as "our" house since she got here (I had to get over that). But again, with all the remodeling we've done on her behalf, she should feel some ownership. The only places in the house where there is not some accommodation for her are the office and the boy's bedrooms. That includes our room because she uses the standup shower.
I think, because some of this has come up so quickly, and because we've been so busy with other stuff that we really haven't ~defined~ if there are or aren't other choices.
But I think that's where we are now.